


What Friends Are For

by melanie1982



Category: Boy Meets World, Cory Matthews - Fandom, My So Called Life, shawn hunter - Fandom
Genre: Dirty Talk, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Kissing, M/M, References to Drugs, f/f - Freeform, f/m - Freeform, friendstolovers, hand-jobs, identitycrisis, m/m - Freeform, m/m oral, possiblycrackfic, references to selfharm/cutting, willanyonereadit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-12 23:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7953862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Both shows (BMW and MSCL) were set in Pennsylvania. I re-imagined Angela and Rayanne's town as even more boring for this fic. Non-canon, obviously - like, most of this story is. Also, if I had to place the characters' ages, I'd say this takes place the summer before senior year. They're not super-young and innocent, but not technically legal, either. This could be set anytime from the 90s onwards with them as teens; maybe a mixture of time periods. Anachronisms may occur.</p><p>Shawn and Cory set off for a summer full of adventure and - </p><p>Oh, who are we kidding? They're stuck in Pennsylvania for the summer. At least it's a new town, right? Maybe they'll meet some new people..</p><p>Only, Shawn isn't sure that's what he wants.</p><p>Can *anyone* figure out what they want? </p><p>Is there such thing as, like, happily ever after? How about 'reasonably happy for as long as it lasts'?</p><p>Fiction. I don't own these characters. I make no money from this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cool for the Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter One

The town didn't look like much. Still, first impressions could be so wrong, and Shawn would know; he'd been mislabeled by so many people at first glance. Trailer trash. Troubled youth. No-hoper. He knew he was far from perfect, but he wasn't all bad. Cory saw the good in him, and Cory was goodness poured into human form. He was God-breathed, all-American, children-are-our-future perfection, and Shawn clung to his tenuous sense of self-worth, the one based on something outside of himself.

Wasn't that, like, *not* self-worth, then? 

Whatever.

The only thing Cory didn't see when he looked at Shawn was a lover. He didn't see how Shawn's heart tripped over itself like a doofus kindergartener caught on his own shoelace. He didn't see the hunger beneath the brotherly love in Shawn's eyes. He never felt that tension between them, which had lately begun to invade even Shawn's unconscious hours, static from a television set he couldn't turn off.

Like, ever.

Shawn contemplated suicide, idly and sporadically, wondering if he'd still feel this.. *thing* once he left his body. Cory Matthews was probably imprinted on his very soul.

Or, literally, printed. Like his soul was stamped with that name beneath the words 'Property Of.'

That reminded him of the year he'd swiped a label-maker from a thrift store and given it to Cory as a birthday gift. Cory had been ecstatic. Much of his bedroom set still bore the adhesive residue, to the horror of the parental units. Cory was.. very different. Odd. But not as 'different' as I am, Shawn thought, suppressing a sigh. 

At least they weren't staying with Cory's family. Shawn's cousin (a term which he'd stretched to fit the reality of not having a concise way to explain his relation) was willing to put up with them for the summer, which meant ten weeks of freedom, away from everyone and everything they'd ever known.

It almost felt like running away together. Only, with permission slips and little-boy summer-camp care packages. 

Cory frowned, unsure. "Is there a mall or a movie theater or.. anything?" He looked at Shawn, his eyes shining with trust as the car rolled through the quiet streets in search of the 'cousin's' house.

Shawn cut and pasted a smile onto his face that his heart didn't feel. "Come on, Cor. It's gonna be a great summer. We'll find stuff to do; we always do."

Cory smiled back, but his was the real deal, not a bootleg. "You're right. We do. This is gonna be epic."

That was Cory's new word: 'epic.' For Shawn, it always brought two things to mind: epic views, and epic loves.

The summer had little hope of providing either, but Shawn wasn't willing to let hope die just yet.

"Yup. Epic."


	2. Make New Friends (But Keep The Old)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting some of the locals...

Shawn's cousin Anna was a rather bold, colorful person. Shawn took in the ramshackle house with its wraparound porch, creaky bench swing, and random bric-a-brac littering every surface of the railings. He also spotted the rainbow curtains in every front-facing window.

Oy. THAT was subtle. Still, Cory wasn't always quick on the uptake; maybe if Anna didn't have any 'friends' over, Cor wouldn't..

"Oh, hey! Rainbow stuff! I love rainbows."

Shawn masked his shock. "You do?"

Cory nodded. "Yeah. They're so.. rainbow-y. Morgan would flip; she'd probably try to make a cape out of one of the curtains."

Shawn laughed, too softly, words sticking in his throat as the sound escaped, warping it. "Yeah. She would."

Was Cory homesick already? Shawn had figured it would take at least a few days for that to set in.

They were running late; the sun was already fading into memory, and they were starving. Shawn was used to going hungry, but not Cory. "Maybe we should've stopped at the store," Shawn said aloud, mentally kicking himself.

Anna burst forth from the house, unbuttoned flannel shirt catching in the breeze created by her speed. "Hey! You made it!"

She hugged Shawn first, knocking the wind out of him.

"Hi," he managed.

She took in Cory at a glance, her grin broadening. "Is this your..?"

Shawn ran a hand through his hair, nervous. "This is Cory, my best friend. Since, like.. well, forever."

Something hovered in her eyes, shifting, softening; the gray flecks appeared in the blue. "Oh. Cool. Hi, Cory." She was confused. Had Shawn worded things wrong in his email, making her think they were..? Anna adapted, mentally recalculating things in her brain in nanoseconds as she hugged Cory. Cory, usually a hugger, responded in kind. He was grinning like an idiot at Shawn having such nice 'family.'

"Well, grab your stuff and come on in! I was just about to re-heat some pizza. You want?"

Both boys enthusiastically accepted her gracious offer, and soon the three of them were seated inside a cozy kitchen painted a pale lemon yellow. As in, counters, cabinets, even the fridge. Yellow.

"Wow. This room is really.. something." Cory was chewing thoughtfully, taking it all in.

"Thanks. I like a lot of color. 'Live out loud,' that's my motto," she said, casting a meaningful glance at Shawn. He wondered why she didn't just step on his foot to get him to blurt 'it' out.

"Good for you," Shawn said cheerfully, taking another sloppy chomp on his slice.

Awkward pause. Cory felt like he was missing something - a familiar occurrence.

"Sooo.. You guys got any plans for tonight?"

Neither of them did.

"Great! I can take you into town and show you the scene," Anna bubbled. 

"The scene? Cool! Did you hear that, Shawnsie? This town has a scene! And we're gonna be part of it!"

Shawn found it suddenly difficult to swallow. Anna was exultant. 

The boys split in separate directions, each headed for a bathroom, where they freshened up and got ready to go out.

Anna's truck barely held all three of them, Cory in the middle, the crème filling of the Oreo, begging to be licked. He'd put on some kind of dime-store aftershave, but when it mixed with his natural scent through the heat of his body, it made Shawn feel drunk. Drunk and happily disoriented. Shawn found himself looking out the window to avoid staring or inching closer to get a better whiff.

The local station was rock, and Cory found himself actually liking some of the songs. "It's different. Right, Shawn? Different is good." The kid sounded like an after-school special on tolerance, but Shawn hazarded a brief glance, nodding in agreement before letting his gaze drift back toward the passing scenery.

'The scene,' according to Anna, centered around the town square, which was buzzing with teen spirit. "Friday night, first weekend of the summer," Anna said, sounding prematurely nostalgic. At nineteen, almost twenty, she was too young to hit the bars and clubs, but too old for high school socials. Pointing to a far corner where a shuttered convenience store stood, she laid out the parameters. "That's one boundary. The next is the post office. The third is the dry cleaner's, and the fourth is my truck. You plan on going beyond any of those points, you find me first. Got it?"

Rules. Cory liked rules; they made him feel secure. Shawn imagined an invisible harness and leash tethering Cory to Anna within her parameters, and it made him want to roll his eyes. Still, that gave them quite a bit of real estate to explore.

As they dismounted from the beast of a truck, Anna rattled off a few names of faces she'd spotted in the crowd. "And whatever you do, stay away from Tino," she warned. The shudder she tried to stifle made Shawn want to ask why, but he thought better of it. 

Soon they were left to their own devices, and Shawn felt at a loss. Cory, for once, took the lead.

"Check out the redhead," he said, pointing. Shawn pushed his arm down. 

"Okay. I see her. And?" Did he think she was attractive?

"Well, she looks.. I dunno. Sad. Her friend is having fun, though."

It was true; the friend was currently hula-hooping, glow-in-the-dark bracelets adorning all four limbs, her top-knot swaying with the movement. A boom-box on the paved surface provided the beat for her routine, and soon the redhead was laughing despite herself. "Rayanne, you are SO..."

The dancing girl replied. "Cool? Sexy?"

"Crazy!" The redhead threw up her hands in mock frustration. "Guys are, like, staring at you. God. Like those two."

She pointed, and Cory froze. "Oh, man. Did we just get spotted?"

Shawn shook his head. It was a start. "Come on. Let's go say hi."


	3. Nothing to Do (But We Stay Out All Night Doing It)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn, meet Rayanne.  
> Cory, meet Angela.
> 
> With some Jordan thrown in..

The girls were.. nice. Well, Angela was nice, but trying to be cool. You could tell she'd come from a good home, though, and that moral brain-washing still ran deep.

Rayanne was.. She was street-smart. That didn't mean she didn't make bad decisions, but she at least knew them for what they were. Rayanne reminded Shawn of himself already - especially in the way she was looking at her 'friend.'

After the third time of catching her staring at Angela, Shawn felt time slow down as Rayanne returned his gaze. Angela and Cory were talking nerd-speak about some aspect of local history, Angela trying to seem like she was bored by it when she wasn't, but Rayanne and Shawn didn't hear. Something passed between them, a moment of understanding. Rayanne, abandoning her hula hoop and stepping over its barrier as it hit the ground, moved into Shawn's shadow.

"Are you high or something?" Her voice low, teasing.

"No. Are you?"

She snorted. "Not really. Do you wanna be?"

Shawn shook his head no.

"Aww, are you trying to be as good as Clark Kent over there?"

Another head shake. "No. I just don't get my kicks that way."

She was studying him now, head tilted, crazy beaded braid dangling at an odd angle. "So how DO you get your kicks, Shawn? By staring at chicks hula-hooping?"

"I'm surprised you noticed, given how your eyes have been glued to your best friend since we got here."

A thin sheet of ice slid across her face, an attempt to shield herself. "I dunno what you're talking about."

He straightened, standing a little taller. "Yeah you do. You and her. You two ever..?"

They were interrupted as Angela, breathless, grabbed Rayanne's arm, tugging her out of earshot with a mumbled "Excuse me" to Shawn.

"What's up?"

Angela tucked her hair behind her ears. "Okay, I think I just saw Tino's van pull up."

Tino. Rayanne wished she'd never heard that name. On the other hand, he'd been nicer than some of the guys she'd - 

"Rayanne? Did you hear what I just said?"

"So, you like Tino now?"

"Rayanne, think! God! What if.. he's here, too? I mean, don't they have a gig tonight? They shouldn't, like, *be* here."

Rayanne searched her frazzled short-term memory. Tino had mentioned a gig, which was probably no more than a house party. Probably an illegal one. In a house where the owners were out of town..

"Right. They were s'posed to be across town, but - "

Cory was lost, looking at Shawn. Shawn stepped in.

"Everything ok?"

"I thought it was. We were talking, she wasn't yawning, and then, BAM! - she bolted."

Shawn wanted to kiss him, he looked so pitiful. Not that he had to look pitiful for Shawn to want to kiss him.

"I think maybe she spotted a friend," Shawn said, hoping and not hoping. A tall man-child with a sexy lope and rocker hair was approaching the group. Angela froze; Rayanne shrugged. The driver of the van and one other passenger headed in another direction, far out of earshot.

"Hey."

"Hey," Angela managed. Shawn could feel the history there; the did-they-didn't-they, will-they-won't-they was strong between these two.

"'Sup," the man threw toward Shawn and Cory. Cory, he dismissed with barely a blink; Shawn, however, gave him pause. Shawn liked the way he was being appraised, and that made him feel queasy. He shouldn't like it; he shouldn't like it at all.

"I, uh, heard you guys had a .. thing tonight."

Shawn felt Angela's pain. The puppy-dog longing for a pat on the head, maybe a belly-rub..

He also felt Rayanne's contempt for this high school demigod and his pull on Angela. Rayanne twiddled her braid around her finger, winding it and unwinding it, choking the life out of the digit before releasing it, only to repeat the action. Over and over. Her eyes slid to Shawn, then back again, unwilling to entertain the triumph in his eyes.

He'd been right, and they both knew it. Damn him.

"We did," Jordan said, clipped, like speech sapped him of vital life force. What did Angela see in him? Couldn't be sweet-talk. Was it pure animal magnetism? Cory didn't know where to look or what to say.

"So, um, how did it go?"

Angela was drowning, needing air, but Jordan was hogging the tank. She was in too deep.

"It was.. a gig. We got paid."

"Oh." She nodded as if she understood, when really, she didn't. She never understood him at all. "That's.. that's great. Right? Isn't it great, Rayanne?"

Jordan looked down his fine nose at the other girl, the one Tino wrote about on bathroom stalls. In Sharpie. Or sometimes with a blade. Cuts were forever.

"Sure. Congrats," Rayanne said, lacing it with sarcasm so sweet it would give him cavities. Fuck Tino. Fuck Angela. And fuck Jordan Fucking-is-my-middle-name Catalano.

"I could, you know, come to a gig now, since school's out for the summer."

Jordan, who lived by his own calendar, his own clock, shrugged. It made no difference to him whether or not it was a school night. Never had. "I guess."

Shawn exhaled slowly. This conversation was headed nowhere fast. Getting Jordan to talk was like pulling teeth.

"Maybe we should head over that way. Those kids look like they're having a good time," Shawn offered Cory. 

Cory was clearly set on Angela. What WAS it with him and latching onto the first girl to even remotely humor him?

What is it with ME, doing that with Cory?, Shawn wondered, turning his criticism on himself.

Angela was still talking, inching closer, giving off all the 'touch me' signals she could subconsciously display, when Jordan's eyes glazed over. 

"Listen, I just came over to say hey. And, uh, have a good summer. Okay?"

She swallowed her sob. Shawn wondered if it would've sounded like a dying animal, the way his did. Sheer frustration, tinged with grief over what could never be. 

Rayanne was preparing to swoop in and pick up the pieces of her friend. Again. Always the hero, but never the prince.

"Oh. Sure. That's.. You too."

Jordan, with barely a hint of acknowledgement toward the others, took his leave. Angela hugged herself, pretending to be chilly. Her lower lip quivered, and Shawn prayed he'd imagined it, but Rayanne knew better.

"Hey. You wanna, uh, you wanna go to Mr. Frost's?" Rayanne's forced buoyancy halted the impending flood, and Angela tucked the rejection into a pocket of her soul. Shawn knew she'd pull it out and revisit it later, unfolding it in the dark privacy of her own room as she stared at the ceiling, Jordan's callous words becoming a letter too often read.

"Yeah. Okay. Do you need - "

Rayanne interrupted, fishing out a few crumpled dollar bills from her bra. "I got money. Tino."

Angela nodded. Cory was confused. "Who's Mr. Frost?"

Rayanne looked at him, annoyed at the reminder that he was still there. He seemed like a sweet kid, just the sort of small-town dork a girl like the old Angela would've probably had a sexless love affair with. "Local fro-yo joint. You in?"

Her eyes flashed challenge at Shawn, as though saying, 'We have unfinished business.' Shawn met that challenge.

"Yeah. We're in." Cory sighed, relieved to let Shawn take the driver's seat once more. Shawn would fix things; he'd know what to do.

Everything was going to work out.

Epic.


	4. Thank God It's Fro-Yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brain freeze and warm hearts, cool kids and hot tempers

Mr. Frost's was just as retro-wannabe as Shawn had expected. He was a little surprised Rayanne would be caught dead in a dump like this, but then, he'd done some pretty lame things for the love of a friend, too.

Rayanne left Angela sitting in the booth with Cory while she and Shawn went up to the counter to order.

"You need a quarter?," Shawn asked.

Rayanne bristled at the smoothness of his polite tone, knowing there would be a sharp jab to follow. "I've got money," she snapped.

"I meant for the jukebox. Don't you wanna dedicate a song to someone? Maybe.. 'Earth Angela', or 'Why Do Fools Fall In Love..'

She would've punched him if she'd thought the others wouldn't notice. The thought of having to explain what had gotten her so angry gave her enough self-restraint.  
"Just shut up. You, my friend, are a means to an end tonight. I need to distract her and keep her from chasing after the school bicycle, okay?"

"If HE'S the school bicycle, what does that make you?"

From a distance, they appeared to be having an intensely fascinating discussion. Angela wondered what they had in common, silently rooting for her friend to find a decent guy for a change. She'd had such shitty luck.

"So, that guy.. Boyfriend?" Cory figured, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Angela's eyes misted over. "Friend. Or, he was." Pause. "Definitely not, like, a boyfriend."

Cory, pained for her, was also heartened. "So, are we going to run into your boyfriend at some point tonight?"

He got the answer he wanted: "Doesn't exist."

They'd transgressed the invisible parameters. He hoped it wouldn't be for nothing. 

Rayanne swiveled on her stool, tapping one long painted nail on the counter's surface. "Why do you even CARE? One minute you accuse me of wanting my best friend, then you imply that I'm a slut. Which is it?"

Shawn turned thoughtful. "Who says it can't be both?"

A laugh. "So are you the, like, expert on sluts? I mean, your friend is obviously a total virgin, so you must be a pimp by comparison, but.."

Something flitted across Shawn's face, so fast she almost missed it. If she'd blinked a half second sooner, she wouldn't have caught it.

"Have I struck a nerve?"

"Just shut up."

"Oh ho, Mr. 'I can dish it but can't take it.' Why should I?"

He smiled, like a man with all the answers, when really he had none. "Because - you, my friend, and your dorky little sidekick, are a means to an end tonight."

She glanced at Cory. "So he's in love with someone he can't have, too? Is there something in the water, or what?"

Shawn laughed. "It's more complex than that, but, he isn't going to get his happy ending with the girl back home, if that's what you mean."

Rayanne was relieved when their orders finally slid down the counter towards them. Angela's was the classic sundae, no nuts, which always made Rayanne giggle as she ordered. Rayanne's was an off-menu hodge-podge of wacky colors, flavors and textures. Shawn, intrigued, had ordered the same for himself, annoying her as a bonus. Cory had a straight banana split.

"Fro-yo isn't as good as ice cream," Shawn lamented as, back at the booth, they dug in, all four of them.

"Hey, city slicker, we take what we can get. You don't like it, go home."

"Rayanne," Angela chided.

Cory was happy. "I like it. It's different. It's.. new. I'm in a new town, with new friends, eating new food. I'm trying new things."

Shawn would've face-palmed if anyone but Cory had talked like that. Chapter One of 'Growing Up': 'Try new things!'

"I'm proud of you, Cor."

"Thanks, buddy."

He was. He wanted his friend to be happy. He did. Truly. Angela was.. nice. They'd be nice together. Right?

Rayanne didn't say much, but Shawn knew she hadn't missed the twinkle in Cory's eye as Angela scooted closer.

Suddenly Shawn's fro-yo tasted like loneliness and exclusion.


	5. Consequences?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anna is not a happy camper.
> 
> Shawn gets called out, in more ways than one...

The bell over the door tinkled as they exited Mr. Frost's. Shawn had to get his bearings, unfamiliar with the landscape, and soon settled for following the locals. Cory was trying to slow down his sugar-hyped pace to stay by Angela's side, and Rayanne fell back a ways, putting a little distance between herself and her best friend.

"So, I understand now why you picked up on my.. thing."

Rayanne's voice was calm and icy cool, but Shawn knew there were sharks thrashing just beneath the surface. Maybe barracudas. Whatever.

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb with me. I saw the way you got jealous, and I don't think it was over Angela. She's not your 'type,' is she, Shawn?"

"Whatever you say, Ray."

She whirled on him, backing him up against a mailbox without warning. "I know what you are. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you practically went down on your spoon - "

"What the hell! Get your hands off me!"

"I'm not finished. I saw how you were dirtying up your friend's pretty little banana in your mind. DON'T bullshit me."

Her eyes were sharp, unyielding, and despite having the advantage in both height and girth, Shawn found himself unwilling to use force to get out of this. He deflated, and she relaxed a fraction of an inch.

"I didn't.. with the spoon. How could you be so graphic?"

"You practically deep-throated that bitch," she said, chiseling away at his denial. So sharp. So cold.

Angela and Cory had stopped, realizing they'd left their friends behind. "They're looking."

"So let 'em look."

"They can't.. You want 'em to know we're fighting? What we're fighting ABOUT?"

Panic bloomed in her chest. "Shit. You're right. FUCK."

A beat. Two. They were walking over, concerned.

"Kiss me."

"Are you CRAZY?"

"No. It's the perfect cover. We hung back so we could - "

He closed his lips over hers, drowning out her voice. She was right. Damn it. 

It wasn't a bad kiss. She was practiced. So was he. Technically, it was great. Emotionally, it was as empty as the mailbox holding them upright. Her body pinned him to the blue metal, the two of them putting on a show. There was no grace to it, no heart. 

No passion. No tingle. Blah.

Rayanne was fro-yo. Cory was bananas covered in hot fudge and whipped cream. 

"Oh Mylanta!," Cory exclaimed. Angela wondered why that sounded familiar; something about a sitcom.. 

"Wow. Your friend, um.. wow. Rayanne must really like him."

She's even sober for once, Angela thought, wanting to be happy for Rayanne. 

So why wasn't she?

\---------------------------------------------

The kiss ended, but the lie had only just begun.

"Should I hold your hand?"

Rayanne snorted. "I haven't held a boy's hand, as in, ever. Not me."

"Okay. Can I.. put my arm around you?"

She thought about it. "Okay."

Angela was floundering for something to say as the two caught up with them, but she was interrupted. 

"Where the hell have you guys been?"

Anna seemed to see straight through the two girls, her ire directed solely at the teenaged boys in her care.

"We, um.. sorry. We got invited for fro-yo." Shawn swiped at an imaginary glob of sauce at the corner of his mouth.

His charming smile wasn't working on Anna. Cousin, Shawn. Lesbian. Remember? She isn't SUPPOSED to - 

"Cory?"

Cory nodded vigorously. "It's true. Fro-yo. Mr. Frost's. This is Angela, and this is - "

Anna cut in. "Rayanne. Hi. I know about - I mean, Tino's mentioned you." There was the shudder again. 

Rayanne smiled, weakly.

"I'm glad you made friends, but I'm sure they have homes to go to - and so do you."

They hadn't been gone long, had they? What time WAS it?

Anna checked her watch. "After midnight now. Curfew kicks in soon."

Rayanne's mom didn't much care where her daughter was, and what the Chases didn't know wouldn't hurt them. "Come on, Ange. Let's go back to my place."

Shawn raised an eyebrow salaciously, and Rayanne wanted to kick him - but couldn't. "Enjoy your sleepover, ladies."

Rayanne smiled. "Thanks, Shawn. I sure had a great time with you tonight. Nice meeting you, Cory."

"Uh, wait. Will I, uh, I mean, will we see each other again?" Cory was trying, bless him.

Rayanne was already steering Angela toward the town square. "Sure. Meet us at the park tomorrow, about seven?"

"She means p.m, right, Shawn?"

Give me strength, he prayed silently. "Yeah, Cor."

"Okay! See ya," he said, waving genially. Waving. Like, grade school.

Recess was over.

The girls were already in conversation about the boys, and Shawn's ears were burning.

"Like, a date? You guys already have dates?"

Anna seemed impressed and concerned at the same time.

"Looks that way." Shawn tried for nonchalant. Hetero bros were always nonchalant, right?

"Wow. What do they teach you guys in school these days? I usually have to wait weeks between dates."

Cory went to ask Anna a question, but Shawn sidled in, averting a hiccup. "So, how 'bout you, Anna? You run into any friends?"

She giggled at the loaded way he emphasized 'friends,' but got the hint. "Not tonight. Struck out twice."

Cory offered sympathy. "Well, I'm sure a pretty thing like you will get fixed up with a handsome fella in no time. Summer sun will work its magic, and we'll all have epic love stories before the leaves turn brown."

Shawn knew by the questions in Anna's eyes that they were going to have a talk soon. 

He wondered how it would play out.

At least he knew it wouldn't end in a faked kiss.


	6. I Kissed A Girl And I.. Felt Nada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anna makes Shawn own up to his feelings out loud

Cory was sacked out, sucked down into sleep's sweet oblivion. Shawn was wide awake, in need of distraction. Cory's sleeping form posed too much temptation, as did his own hands in the darkness, one of them having already made a pass over the aching apex of his masculinity, warming the fabric of his pajama bottoms.

He needed to get out of that room.

"I bet she put us in here together on purpose," he muttered to the bare bulb hanging in the pink hallway. Each room was a solid color; their bedroom was green. Green means go. Shawn needed red, or at least yellow.

The kitchen.

He opened the fridge, the glass bottles and jars in the door rattling as he did so. The light spilled out onto the tile floor, yellow like everything else. Rummaging for a moment before finding more pizza, he closed the door more quietly than he had opened it, settling at the table just in time for the overhead light to flicker to life.

"Hey, cuz. Whaddya know?"

Anna shuffled over to an empty chair. Shawn was grateful to be chewing, giving him time to gather his thoughts.

"Sorry if I woke you."

Anna shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. I kept thinkin' about this one girl I ran into.." Her grin was infectious.

"Yeah? Why don't you tell me about her?"

"I'd rather hear about YOUR love life."

He swallowed with difficulty. "I don't have one."

"Cory seems to think you do. You and Rayanne have become a 'thing' in his mind. He's talked about it non-stop."

Shawn felt a curious mixture of embarrassment and regret. "Really?"

"Yeah. And he's desperate to find something equally meaningful with Angela."

Shawn's mouth went dry, his jaw clenching and unclenching a few times.

"Look. Cory has this.. belief system - that every guy needs a girl, and every girl needs a guy. He wants people to be happy. It's so sweet, so simple. I don't want to shatter his world."

Anna had her hands resting on the table, and one of them reached for Shawn's, giving it a gentle squeeze. "'Gay' used to mean happy. If he's your friend, he'll want you to be yourself."

How could Shawn explain to his cousin that he'd spent his whole life maintaining a carefully-crafted version of himself to fit Cory's needs? Just bad enough to be edgy, not so bad as to end up dragging him down to hell?

"I don't know if I'm *gay* gay. I just.. I'm Cory-gay."

"Do you like Rayanne?"

"Sure. She's funny. In a dark, twisted sort of a way. And she's got great.. uh.. hair. Rayanne is - "

Anna sighed. "What do you feel when you kiss her?"

He blinked a few times. "About the same as I feel when I kiss any other girl."

"And?"

"It's no big deal. I like making them feel good, it keeps me safe from the bullies; it's win-win."

Somewhere upstairs, Cory was mumbling a drowsy "Shawnie?"

Shawn finished his slice, polishing off the crust. "That's my cue. G'night, Anna."

He turned to leave. 

"Oh, and by the way? Putting us in the same room? Torture."

Anna smiled. Shawn's face mirrored her own.


	7. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Rayanne get deep.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Chapter contains references to self-harm/cutting.

Shawn stared. He knew staring was, ordinarily, a rude thing to do. This, however, was an extraordinary situation.

Rayanne moved her sleeve back down, covering the hard external evidence of her inner pain.

"No one ever notices - or if they do, they don't care enough to say anything." She said it flatly, like she was reading the local weather forecast aloud. No emotion.

Shawn nodded, pushing down his socks. "I do the backs of my legs. Calves are usually covered - well, except when I'm naked, and nobody's there to see them then."

Rayanne quirked a brow. "Nobody sees you naked?"

Shawn shrugged. 

"As in, like, no one ever has? Ever?"

A pause, the young man looking over his shoulder, losing himself in the colors emanating from every room of Anna's house. Rayanne pushed off again, forcing the swing to move. It was pleasant, sitting with someone for whom you had absolutely no deep, torturously-complicated feelings. Rayanne thought so, too.

The trees provided shelter, and Shawn felt.. safe here, safe in a way he'd only felt once or twice before - at Cory's house. Why would he feel that here, now, and given present company?

"I feel like you bring out some of my softer side," he confessed to her.

"Ditto," she replied. Their bodies were touching. It could be so easy; why couldn't they just - ? "So, are we, like, an odd couple? The closet virgin and the slut?" 

Shawn dodged the question. "You know, I really don't think Angela would like it, but, I think it'd be okay."

Rayanne stopped, squinting at him in the coming darkness. "Excuse me?"

Shawn cleared his throat. One chance, Hunter. One chance to explain this right.

"Well, I just mean that, scars aren't you. They're a part of you. Scars show where you've been, not where you're going."

"We're not just talking about the cutting, are we?" She sensed something more on his mind.

"No. I think.. I think she'd be okay with.. who you are."

Rayanne chewed her lip. She really wanted a fix of something, a hit. Anything. Even a beer.

"Whatever you're thinking, stop thinkin' it," he said, low, a gentle warning.

"And what about you? You gonna 'fess up to your curly-haired dream?" The wind picked up a little, a breeze with delusions of grandeur, rustling the leaves and making it seem as though the trees were whispering about them.

Shawn picked at a skin tag on his thumb. "I can't.. He's my whole life. I can't risk it. I'd have nothing left, Ray. Nothing at all."

"You'd have you," she said, suddenly feeling vulnerable. He made it sound so simple, so possible - just go up to her best friend and tell her - 

"I don't want me. I'm nobody." The edge in his voice, running into her veins, transferring his pain to her until it made her set her teeth.

"I'm nobody, too."

The feelings were too much. She needed to blot them out. Too much time with Angela, not enough time whoring. Too much reality. "Kiss me."

Shawn looked around. "Nobody's watching. Why would we - "

"Because you don't want anything from me. I've never had that from a guy, except for Ricky. You take me as I am, but you don't.. take me. You don't use me."

He made a face. "So you want me because I *don't* put moves on you? That is seriously twisted."

"I know. I just.. I don't wanna think anymore right now. I don't wanna talk anymore right now. I just want.."

Her hand on his shirt, resting over his heart, balling the fabric into her fist. "Ray.."

"Shawn. Please."

He shook his head, locks of hair sliding into his eyes. "You're better than this. We both are. Don't beg. Don't you ever, ever beg anyone - man, woman, doesn't matter."

Her eyes were shining up at him, reflecting stars. She did not love him, could not, but she trusted him. Damn him, but, somehow, she had come to put a little faith in another person. One who didn't have red hair.

"You don't know what you're missing," she said, her voice a purr, experience lending it a maturity belying her age.

"I'll bet," he said, a lopsided grin softening the brush-off.

Rayanne let the notion go, watching it jettison into the night. She felt lighter somehow, and needed something to ground her. Shawn watched as she left the swing, settling on her back on the grass.

"Wow. The stars are amazing from this angle."

Shawn's inner poet was intrigued. He joined her, keeping a respectable distance, but close enough to be friendly. "What are we gonna do, huh? Those two could be in there gettin' it on right now, and we're out here, star-gazing."

Rayanne giggled at the ridiculousness of it all. "'Star-crossed lovers,' in a way Shakespeare never imagined."

"Oh, I think he did. He had a boyfriend. And a wife."

"Really?" Rayanne decided she might have to show up for Eng Lit once in a while.

"Yeah." Shawn elaborated on the Bard's use of cross-dressing, homoeroticism and so on in his plays, until Rayanne's head hurt. He'd left one crucial question unanswered. 

"So, did any of his stories have a happy ending for a gay couple?" 

Shawn's silence told her all she needed to know.

"Life isn't a play."

She blew out a breath. "Yeah? I've been playing a role. So have you. How long's that gonna go on?"

Shawn took one of her hands, not as a romantic gesture, but as one of kinship. "I don't know."


	8. Chemistry versus Biology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angela and Cory should make sense together.. shouldn't they? 
> 
> So what's missing?

The park date had meandered back to Anna's sprawling lot. Cory and Angela were on the porch, listening to the crickets, the breeze, and Shawn and Rayanne's soft laughter. 

"Seems like they're having fun." Cory said it pleasantly enough, but there was a hint of something else in his tone. Angela wondered about it.

"Yeah. I'm glad. It's good for her, spending time with someone normal."

Shawn would refute the label 'normal,' Cory thought. "So, are *we* having fun?"

Angela shrank a little into her button-up shirt. "Sure. It's.. nice here."

Cory wanted to feel something more. He sensed that she wanted to feel something, too, and yet that something was eluding them.

In chem class, they learned that most elements react in a predictable manner. You always know what to expect of them; mixing a with b always results in c. It's been that way since day dot, and it will always be that way. A constant in a universe of chaos.

Some elements mix, while others refuse to, no matter what external forces are employed - heat; pressure; time.. They won't react.

Other elements react as soon as they even get near one another. Some meld together, becoming something new, stronger, inseparable. Others burst into flame, consumed by their contact.

Cory and Angela weren't reacting. Biology wasn't kicking in, either, the meeting of two opposites sparking primal urges to become one. Had he missed something in science class? What was the secret?

"You wanna go in and watch a movie?" Maybe in the dark, huddled together on the sofa, a spark would ignite.

She shivered slightly. "Let's go see what they're, like, laughing about. I'm, you know, genuinely curious."

Cory agreed, and the two of them made their way to their respective friends.

Rayanne saw Angela looming over her, and all her brain could formulate was, 'I wish she wore skirts.'

"Taking a break and coming up for air?," Shawn teased. Cory and Ange blushed, not because they'd been making out, but because they HADN'T. Cory felt nettled, but couldn't quite explain why.

"You two seemed to be yukking it up over here, so we figured we'd come find out what was so funny."

Angela joined her friend on the grass, and Cory, a good sheep, followed suit. They made an elongated equal sign, Angela's head to Rayanne's, Shawn's head to Cory's. Two couples, side by side, while the couples they should've been were head to head.

"I wonder if we fell asleep like this if we'd all be in each others' dreams," Cory mused. "I remember the Fraggles did that. They all slept in a circle with their heads together, and.."

He could feel Shawn's silent plea for him to stop talking, and trailed off accordingly. Rayanne thought the word 'Fraggles' sounded deliciously amusing at that particular moment, and began saying it over and over. Shawn wondered if, after enough substance abuse, the state of being high could become part of one's makeup even while sober.

"Rayanne, chill," Angela admonished. Just like that, Ray sobered up. 

They watched the thick clouds drifting past against an ever-darkening sky. Cory's hand inched over to rest on Angela's, and she did not pull away. All spoke in whispers and murmurs, about everything and nothing, conversations overlapping and diverging by turns. Soon it was time to go in, a crack of thunder heralding the arrival of a summer storm.

"You guys wanna stay over?" Shawn made the offer, knowing Anna would acquiesce. Probably.

"Oh. Wow. My mom would, like, freak out if I stayed here. We better get going. Rayanne?"

Rayanne was pleasantly drowsy, idly toying with the idea of leaving her body. She felt it was possible, but wasn't sure it was safe. Then again, when had she ever played it safe? "Mm? Oh. 'Kay." She peeled herself from the grass, almost reaching for her friend's hand, then thinking better of it. The night had softened her somehow, and she didn't trust herself with even incidental touch right now.

"Thanks for hangin' out with us," Shawn offered. He meant it.

"Sure. It was fun," Rayanne admitted, surprising herself. No kissing, no substance abuse, and yet she'd had a decent time.

"See ya 'round," Cory called out, trying for casually cool. Failing.

Shawn sighed. "Come on, Cor. We better go in. It's gonna pour."

Cory was reluctant to move. "I dunno, Shawn. I kinda like it out here. It's.. different. Magical."

Shawn wished they were side by side. Then he didn't, imagining himself flinging his body over Cory's to align them, losing control for a few precious seconds and bringing a lifetime of friendship to a tire-squealing, inferno of a wreck ending.

Shawn thought of bio. He thought of sex ed. He thought of everything they'd been taught - and, more pointedly, what they HADN'T been taught. The lesson plans didn't apply to him - the mechanics of procreative sex, the necessary nuisance of birth control, the miracle of science that was pregnancy. He knew those teachers, books and pamphlets made him an outsider, marking him as different, other, less-than. He swallowed a sigh.

"Five minute warning," he said, though there was no authority to his tone.

"Ten," Cory teased back.

"Seven," Shawn said, feeling like they were bidding on something.

"Okay, seven."

It was ten.


	9. Cruel Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things happen. Other things don't happen.

The pool didn't open until the third week of summer; something about a drain clog, or a broken pump, or.. Whatever.

Once it was open, they spent almost every day there, or in the surrounding area. Cory's puberty had apparently gone into hyper-drive, judging by the way his head spun any time a pretty girl walked by in a two-piece. Shawn was.. not taking it well.

"Don't you think you're being rude to Angela?" Shawn didn't really care about that, but it was all he could say without tipping his hand.

Angela, modest in her one-piece - a navy blue number with white piping along the side which did nothing to flatter her figure - gave Cory a playful splash. "Boys are such pigs."

Rayanne concurred, trying not to notice a redhead at the opposite end of the pool as she emerged from below the surface, water glistening on her pretty face and ample curves. Trying.

The sun beat down upon them, boiling their blood and their hormones to new and dangerous temperatures. Shawn loved that the pool was crowded, meaning lots of accidental touches, but he chided himself, too, feeling like a perv. What did they call those guys who deliberately brushed up against strangers? Frotters? But, Cory wasn't a stranger. He was.. Cory.

Cory's swim trunks were really too small for him, and totally uncool. The style was for baggy shorts with wild prints, while Cory's were red and almost indecently short on him now. Shawn's were baggy, allowing room for the billowy fabric to hide his.. reactions. At least while he was submerged. Shawn meant to tell Cory to buy new ones. Eventually.

Rayanne nudged Angela. "Check out the chick in the white one-piece. I bet it goes see-through when wet."

Angela blushed. "Rayanne!" Nevertheless, they all watched as she prepared to leap from the diving board. Her lean body, poised in the sun, seemed to shimmer, and as she slid into the water with a subdued and dignified sploosh, four pairs of eyes were riveted to the spot.

Bobbing to the surface, a hand running into her auburn hair, the young woman glanced down and saw that, indeed, her suit had become transparent, her hard nipples on full display. Cat-calls and whistles assailed her, and she crossed her arms over her chest, mortified.

"God. Can you imagine? I would DIE." Angela felt a pang of sympathy for her, unshared by Shawn and Rayanne. Cory was still reeling from seeing her nipples, too stunned to say anything. 

As the woman hurried toward the ladder, she had no choice but to show her backside, the suit clinging to it. Her hands were shaking as she pulled herself out of the water, sprinting for her towel. Rayanne imagined what she'd see if she was in front of the girl, whether the dark patch of hair would be visible through the fabric, or if the hair had been removed - 

"Okay. Show's over," she quipped, pretending to lose interest. Her own suit was more of a sports bra and shorts, baring her tight midriff. It was tomboyish, and she liked it that way. 

Angela couldn't shut up about 'that poor girl,' to the point where Rayanne finally snapped at her. She knew it was a mistake as soon as Angela's eyes glazed over at the sting.

"I just.. To have everyone staring at you. Judging your body." Her words faltered. Rayanne wanted to soothe her, pet her, take it back.

"Angela, having people want your bod is part of life. It's not always a bad thing." Rayanne was acutely aware of her own body, so close to Angela's wet form.

"Okay. I.. I'm sorry. Talk about something else."

Something else was headed their way.

"Oh, fuck," Ray muttered beneath her breath. Cory turned to see what she was looking at, and there was Jordan, dressed in ratty faded brown swim shorts and a t-shirt. 

"Hey, you can't wear shirts in the pool. He can't - " Cory stopped, watching as a young Sharon-Cherski type lifeguard began extolling the dress code to Catalano. He said something, and she giggled, twirling her ponytail around her finger. Just like that, he was allowed in with a t-shirt on.

"Fucker," Ray spat.

"God, no shit. Flirting with the lifeguard? So lame," Shawn said by way of moral support. His eyes slid to Angela.

"You know, I think I'm.. Let's go eat, or something. I just.. I could eat."

Angela made her way to the nearest exit, and the others followed.

Cory wanted to use the ladder directly after Ange, but Ray beat him to it. Shawn followed Cory, shivering as he imagined Cor in white shorts.

Dripping water on a picnic bench in the shade a safe distance from the pool, the four of them picked at their concessions. Hot dogs, nachos and sodas did little to fill the aching voids carried around inside each of them, voids hungry for more than food.

"So, what're we doing later?" Cory, ever practical, wanted to plan things out in advance.

"Probably the same thing we've done for the last week and a half. Hang at Anna's." Shawn sounded.. bored.

"Tino's having a party tonight," Ray offered. Three.. two..

"A party?" Cory latched on to that. Parties were fun. They were cool. Right?

"Yeah. If you guys have a way there, I could get you in," Rayanne said, her mouth dripping nacho cheese onto the wood.

Shawn should've been jealous of Tino. He wasn't. Rayanne laid no claim on his emotions.

"Cool. Think Anna would give us a ride, Cor?"

It was settled. The boys would head home, chill out for a while and meet them there. The girls would do.. whatever the heck chicks did to get ready to go somewhere, a longer, more complicated process than Shawn cared to contemplate.

"Meet us in the driveway," Ray cautioned, "so we all get in."

The boys assured them they would comply. 

Shawn was a little nervous. Tino was older, and some of the guests would be, too. Was Cory ready for that?

Adults did.. adult things. Like drink. And fuck.

Shawn found he had to use conditioner for its off-label purpose - twice - as he showered that evening. His body still wasn't satisfied, but it took the edge off.

What if Cory actually got somewhere with Angela tonight? 

Was HE ready for that?

The radio was playing 'Cruel Summer' as Anna's truck dropped them off at a respectable-looking house half a block from the actual party.

"You guys want me to pick you up, too?"

"That'd be great, Anna. About.. two-ish?"

She squinted at them. "One thirty. If you aren't out here by then, I'll beat on the door. Don't think I won't."

Shawn laughed. "Oh, I KNOW you will. Thanks."

She seemed to hesitate. "Hmph. Okay. Just.. be careful. And have fun!"

Cory grinned like an idiot, and Shawn almost stepped on his foot. He was gonna get them busted.

They waved her off, and, once the car was out of sight, made their way to the real address.

Cory smelled so good. Manly. Ripe.

Cruel summer, indeed.


	10. Party On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the house of fun..

Shawn knew the party was going to be interesting as soon as the door opened. The four of them flinched at the volume of the rock music blaring from dying speakers, and the darkness swallowed them like a monster devouring a child's scream.

A friend of Tino's handed Ray a Solo cup, and she took a sip, then passed it to Angela. Angela declined, but Shawn accepted. Whatever it was burned his throat, and he set it down on the nearest available surface. A girl in nothing but a bra and denim cut-offs downed the rest, tossing the empty on the floor.

Cory watched her walk away.

The strings of colored lights made the place seem other-worldly - like the inside of a space ship. Or maybe hell.

"How can anyone talk in a place like this?," Cory shouted.

"These parties aren't for talking," Ray teased, squeezing Cory's thigh and waggling her eyebrows. 

Angela was trying to loosen up. Maybe talking was over-rated. She took Cory's hand, leading him deeper into the belly of the house. A dark corner; a chair; they needed something.. anything to take away the bitter taste of seeing Jordan again.

Shawn watched him go, feeling Rayanne's hand encircle his wrist. Tight.

"C'mon. I know my way around. I'll show you."

Did she mean the house, or..?

A flight of stairs led to a basement. The bass was still audible, but not the lyrics. Ray opened a mini-fridge, bringing out a bottle of something cold. 

"It's just root beer," she snorted. Shawn took a swig, finding it was true.

"You, uh, you hang out here a lot?"

"Is that a pickup line?"

"Ray. You know this isn't.. We aren't.."

She shoved him to the couch, ass-first. "I know."

Settling beside him, her legs swinging up into his lap. "But we can still have a good time."

He stared at his lap as her bare toes began to squirm against a tender area. It felt.. good. And wrong. And - 

"Come on. Be serious."

She drew her legs to herself, moving over toward him and resting her head on his shoulder, feet now tucked beneath her butt. "Shawnsie. Just trust me. Okay? I wanna try something."

His heart thudded with the bass-line. What was she -

"Close your eyes."

He hesitated. 

"Shawn. I promise, if you don't like it, I'll stop. Just say.. 'popsicle.'"

He was about to protest, when her hand suddenly lit against the flat of his stomach. He thought of Cory, and was instantly hard.

"Just imagine I'm someone else. Pretend. Get lost in it."

Fuck, she had a sultry voice when she wanted to.

"Ray.." His voice broke as her fingers eased down, fiddling with his belt. Then his fly. Then -

"Shhh. Popsicle."

He couldn't look. He couldn't watch her tapered fingers wrap around the length of him, the part of him begging for another's touch. 

"Imagine his hand."

Fire spread through his groin, winding him. He exhaled until there was nothing left.

"His fingers doing this." She held him, loosely, teasing. He needed a fist.

"Fuck."

She began to stroke, languidly, her words painting vivid pictures inside his mind. Splashing paint onto the walls of his skull.

"Has he ever caught you doing this?"

Shawn groaned. That was so - 

"You ever caught him?"

Fuck..

"Is this what you think about at night, when he's asleep? His hand on his dick, rustling the blankets, peeking over at you in the dark..?"

Shawn groaned again. 

"You ever spy on him, Shawn? Does he ever kick off the blankets, giving you an eyeful?"

Her fingers tightened their grip. A whine escaped his lips. Such a pathetic, needy little slut.

"Ray.."

"No. Tonight, I'm Cory."

He saw stars, biting his lip til he tasted blood.

"What would you do if he walked in right now? If he dropped to his knees and let his tongue swipe across the tip of you like this - "

The pad of her wet thumb passed over his crown, and he jerked into her hand. She repeated the move, and it was Cory's tongue, hot, scalding, teasing the slit, so fucking good..

"Would you let him swallow, Shawn? Would you watch that pretty little mouth gobble you up?"

She didn't want him, but she relished the power she held over him now. He didn't want her, but he needed what she was giving him.

"If I stopped now, would you take over? Would you fuck your hand right now?"

So wrong. So good.

Sex was power, control; sex was a commodity. She was rich.

"God.. fuck.."

Why did the idea of jerking off in front of her make him ache? Because it was so taboo? 

Ray slid to the floor. 

"What are you - "

"Shh. Popsicle."

Her lips parted, her tongue barely touching him, waiting.

"If you do that, I'm gonna - "

"Cory wants you to. He wants you to cum."

"I can't do that - on you.. I can't let you - "

"Cum for Cory, Shawn. Cum in his mouth. Let him taste you."

He couldn't do that to her - use her mouth like that. He said the safe word, and she stopped, the room spinning.

"I can't use you like that. You deserve better."

"What about my hand?"

She started again, and he was weak, panting, needing - 

"Don't stop," he moaned, "Cory.. please.."

"That's it, baby. Keep going. Let go."

Sweating now, hair sticking to his forehead. Balls aching.

"Would you let him fuck you?"

Shawn was close. So wrong, so close..

"Would you?"

She slowed, keeping him on the edge.

"Yeah. Fuck. Whatever he wanted."

"You'd let him fuck your tight hole, smack your ass, cum inside you?"

"I'm close.. Ray.."

"Say my name."

He gasped. She slowed even more.

"Shawn.."

Fuck.

"Cory.. please.."

"Good boy."

"Cory.. yeah.. like that.. don't stop.. please.."

"Do you love him? Do you love Cory?"

Silence.

"Shawnsie?"

Her hand stilled, and he was dying.

"I.. can't.."

The hand released him.

She waited.

"I love him."

Nothing. Try again.

"I.. I love you, Cory."

"As a friend?"

"As a lover."

She cradled him once more.

"I love you, Cory Matthews."

Rayanne jerked him hard, tight, her fist a vise. She pumped him from the tip to the base and back again, over and over. He was melting into the couch.

"Cory.. fuck.. I love you.. Cor.. don't stop. Don't stop. Don'tstopdon'tstopdon'tstop - " Her tongue in his ear, her teeth grazing the lobe, then brushing his neck, whispering for him to cum.

His seed showered her hand, Ray never flinching, milking him until there was nothing left.

As he regained his senses, he looked at her, the smile of genuine satisfaction on her face. She had bewitched him, overpowered him, a teenage succubus. 

"Feel better?"

He knew what he had to do. Fair was fair. 

"I will once I even the score."

The fear in her eyes, giving way to understanding as he moved in for the kill.


	11. Two Can Play That Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rayanne gets a taste of her own medicine

"Go wash up."

She bristled at the authority in his tone. Shawn pointed at the sink behind the bar, and Rayanne complied, not because he'd told her to, but because she would've done it eventually anyway.

Ray had barely reached the couch before Shawn grasped her wrist.

"That was.. wow. I can't let that go. You.." Had she helped him, or hurt him? Maybe both.

"Shawn, you don't like girls."

"So? Who says I'm gonna do anything with you?"

Rayanne, dazed and confused, sank to the couch.

"Popsicle."

He moved slower, aware of his size advantage, his strength. Aware of what could happen if she decided to stop him and he didn't immediately stop.

"Shawn.. this is.."

"Fucked up? Agreed."

His hands passed over her body, and she shivered. "You wanna do it yourself, or..?"

Her lids fluttered shut. "You do it." 

How hard could it be? Shawn's hand rested on her knee, sliding up, feeling how smooth she was. How soft.

"Gentle," she breathed. His fingers inched towards her panties, feeling moisture.

"Think of her. You do it a lot, don't you?," Shawn teased. 

Murmured assent.

"You can't sleep during sleepovers, can you? Her body so close, and yet so far.."

Fuck.

"Does she sleep without a bra? Do you think about plucking at those nipples, making her wet..?"

Ray's thighs parted. The angle was awkward here, but Shawn's thumb found her clit, rubbing through the fabric. Pushing.

She whimpered. "Maybe if I lean against you, so you can.. reach.."

They adjusted, Shawn moving to lay length-wise on the couch, Rayanne leaning back against his body. His hand could reach around, rubbing her folds, fingers finding her spots - 

"There. Like that." Shawn was wary of touching beneath her clothes, but he sensed that this wasn't going to cut it. He needed to touch her skin directly.

"Angela wants to reach inside your panties," he whispered. She leaned into him, her belly flattening, allowing his hand to slide beneath her skirt and the waistband of her panties.

She was so wet. Hot. 

His finger brushed her clit, and she moaned. "Ange.."

"I bet she's thought about it. Do you change in front of her?"

Ray had a hazy memory of being drunk, having to strip off her vomit-covered clothes in front of her friend. Angela had wanted her to shower, but she could barely stand.

"Mm.."

"I bet she looks at your body, wonders what you do with all those boys.. where their hands go.. their lips and tongues.."

Fuck. Only one guy had ever gone down on her, and she'd almost cum, almost forgotten it was a guy, until the stubble reminded her. She'd wanted it to be Angela -

"Wonders what you do when you're alone.. where your fingers go.."

Ray squirted a little, slicking his hand. Her fingers plucked at her own nipples through her clothing.

"Imagines you taking a hard cock inside your cunt.. what you sound like.. the look on your face.."

Sex had never been sexy to her. But if it made Angela hot, she'd let the football team run a train on her. She didn't care.

"You ever wish you had a cock, Ray? A cock for her to stroke and suck and bounce up and down on?"

Rayanne couldn't describe the sound that wrenched from her throat right then. Angela, on her lap, squirming, whimpering, rocking her hips -

"I bet you do. You'd show that Jordan, wouldn't you? Make him watch.."

A moan, welling up from deep within her. Yes. Fuck, YES.

"Or what if.. she was sitting on your face.. riding your tongue.. and he saw.."

Fuck. Angela's flushed face, her lips fanning over Ray's mouth as her tongue fluttered across Ange's clit, swallowing all of her juices.. Jordan, dick in hand, hating her, but unable to look away..

Shawn began to use feather-light flicks, mimicking a tongue. "Like that.." 

God, she needed more. "Rub me harder.."

"Rub you harder? What do you say?"

Groan. "Angela.. please.."

He used more pressure, circling her clit, dipping down between her folds to her hole. She was dying, shaking, needing - 

"You do it." The fingers stopped, leaving her empty, aching. Shawn was torturing her. 

"Please - "

He could make her cum, but this was better. "Do you love Angela?"

Oh, payback was a bitch.

"Yes."

"Say it."

Huff. "I love her." Then, "I love you, Angela Chase."

"As a friend?"

He was a dead man.

"As.. a lover."

Shawn's fingers filled her, pumping in and out while she worked her clit. "Ange.. please.. don't stop.."

There was power in his thrusts, and he understood why she liked wielding influence over men. It was heady stuff.

"Ange.. yeah.."

He felt her spasm, tightening around his fingers as she came with a shout. No man had ever made her cum, and she wasn't sure this even counted, since she hadn't been thinking of him.

He held her as she came down. Theirs was a strange friendship, but it was real. Meaningful.

"Thank.. thank you.." Tears.

"It's okay. We understand each other. It's okay."

He didn't ever want to touch another pussy. It wasn't.. gross, exactly, but it wasn't for him. He'd done this as a favor, to both of them. He knew she'd helped him the same way.

Both of them wondered what their loves were doing upstairs at that moment. Probably not the equivalent of what they'd been up to.


	12. Meanwhile, Back at the Party..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pancakes and waffles 
> 
> Figuring out what works and what doesn't

Angela and Cory had been kissing. Kissing and kissing. Cory was sure he'd feel turned on soon. Any minute now. Aaaany time now.. 

Sigh.

She was good at it; that Jordan fellow must have taught her a thing or two. Just.. something was missing. Angela, sensing Cory was distracted, pulled away, taking a breather.

"You wanna go, like, walk around, or something? Maybe see what Rayanne and Shawn are up to?"

Cory swallowed. His lips tingled; they felt swollen and.. well, used. "Sure. I mean, yeah, why not?"

Angela held his hand, but it was loosely, so that it would take barely any effort on his part to break her hold.

Didn't that say it all?

Cory suddenly wished that this town had a Mr. Feeny to confide in. Still - Shawn may not be as wise as Mr. F, but he knew about girls. Maybe a quick pep talk was all he needed, a few pointers. Yeah. That was it.

Angela scanned the faces in the dim light, dismissing most of the girls outright as being too tall to be Rayanne. Cory noticed the alarming number of people with clothing in disarray; by now, the house reeked of alcohol and other, less familiar unpleasant smells. The living room pressed in on them as they fought their way through. The small bathroom was locked, and calling their friends' names at the door garnered no reply, so they abandoned that locale, too. On their way into the kitchen, Angela saw the silhouette of a familiar ponytail. 

"Rayanne! Hey!"

The figure turned, pressing the back of her hand to her lips as she hastened to swallow her swig of illicit liquid courage. Shawn gently prised the bottle from her opposite hand, taking a short sip himself before setting it down. There were empties everywhere, but this appeared to be the couple's first beer of the evening.

"I was lookin' for you," Rayanne said, the beer already taking effect, softening her consonants.

"In a fridge full of beer?" Angela immediately regretted smarting off; her friend was clearly upset if she'd chosen to drink again.

Shawn shrugged. "We got bored. It's no big deal. It was just a taste."

Something passed between them then, a look loaded with meaning. Angela felt her skin prickle with curiosity. Cory's mouth, which had gone slack, closed with a snap.

"Come on. This party blows. Let's get outta here."

Shawn led the way, the others linking hands to keep track of each other. Rayanne felt Angela's fingers lock with hers, tight, almost painfully so. Angela's grip on Cory was less sure as he brought up the rear. The touch of Shawn's hand on hers barely registered in Rayanne's consciousness. 

Outside, the four of them rustled through the grass to a spot a short distance away from the house. Each of them seemed lost in his or her own thoughts for several moments.

"Why did you - " Angela caught herself. "What's wrong? I mean, you've been sober for so long, so something must've really gotten to you in there. Was it Tino?"

Shawn fell back, though Ray's eyes pled with him for help. 

"You ladies talk it out. I won't stand in your way."

Cory, confused, moved to one side with Shawn. "What the hell is goin' on? Why is Rayanne so upset?"

Good, sweet Cory, always wanting to fix things. Even people who were beyond repair.

"Cory, you remember that time when we were little, and you found that baby bird that had fallen out of the nest?" 

Cory did. His stomach lurched at the memory.

"You tried to raise it, but it wouldn't eat. Then you tried putting it back in the nest, but.."

Here, Cory took up the thread of a story he thought he knew well. "I know, the mom came back, and then everything was fine."

Shawn looked to his left, avoiding Cory's gaze.

"Right?" Cory suddenly felt unsure.

"Cory, I went back in the middle of the night, and the baby bird was there, alone, in the nest. It.. it died, Cor. The mom wouldn't take it back, I guess."

Cory felt the sting of his failure. "But you told me - "

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to be upset. You always work so hard to fix things, to save people.. but that bird didn't belong in the nest anymore. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Cory bit his lip. Shawn sighed. This wasn't going well.

"Okay. Just.. sit down."

Cory followed Shawn's lead.

"You really love waffles, don't you?"

Cory's stomach assented, grumbling. "Yeah. So?"

"So, I prefer pancakes. The two are similar; I mean, both breakfast foods, both great with butter and syrup - but they're different, too."

Cory had forgotten the bird story already, food porn running through his mind on a loop.

"Right.."

Shawn ran a hand through his hair. "So it's okay to like different things. It's okay to BE different." Shawn was resisting the urge to get up and pace. He was restless, antsy, and he knew it was because he was getting too close to the topic he'd avoided his entire life. 

"Is there a point in here somewhere, Shawn? 'Cuz, I'm a little lost."

"Cory.. I'm not like you. I don't mean we can't be friends, but - we just.. want different things. Me and Rayanne, it's not happening. I'm not what she wants, and she isn't what I want, either."

He took a shot in the dark. "So, she's a waffle, and you're a pancake?"

"She.." He would not out Rayanne. Shawn didn't want to out anyone; it was wrong. Besides, for all he knew, she was spilling her guts to Angela right then.

Maybe.

"I can't hang out with Angela if you're alone. I can't have a girlfriend while Shawn Hunter is single."

"I'm always alone, Cor. Even in a crowded room, I'm alone. None of the girls I've dated have ever.." 

So close.

"Have ever meant enough to me."

Cory thought he understood now, pulling Shawn close for a hug. It was awkward, kneeling on some stranger's side-yard, hugging too closely in the dark. "You've never been in love."

Shawn winced. He hated lying to Cory. "I.. I was never in love with any of those girls." That was the truth, and yet, it was still a lie by omission.

"I'm not falling for Angela, either. I don't think she likes me."

Shawn knew it was true. Nothing about her body language, her demeanor, or anything she said or did made him think Ange wanted Cory. 

"I'm sorry, man. I am." He was. Sort of.

"Are we gonna break up? With them, I mean?"

Cory looked back over his shoulder at the two girls whispering several yards away. 

"Let's just get through tonight. We'll.. deal with it in the morning." He couldn't be like all the others, shoving Rayanne away like a dirty rag after he'd soiled her like that. She was better than that, although she didn't believe it.

Cory grew appreciative as they neared their 'dates.' "You know, those two remind me of me and you. They're so.. They just get along. Even though Rayanne's always getting into trouble, and she's kinda wild; even though Angela is afraid to try new things.. they just.. work."

"Two waffles, side by side in a toaster," Shawn concurred.

Cory had rarely been so confused, or hungry, in his entire life.

"What do we do now?"

Shawn started herding them down the block to where they'd originally been dropped off. "We wait for our ride. The girls have their own way home."

Little else was said, but every word and glance was heavy with meaning. 

'The morning after' was only a few hours away.


	13. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking up fast over breakfast.
> 
> Well, that was the plan..

The girls met up with their respective boyfriends at Anna's. The hostess had whipped up scrambled eggs and toast, taking her food out to the porch and leaving the gang alone in the kitchen.

"So, last night.. was.. fun." Cory tried to break the awkward tension with something positive.

"It was an experience, that's for sure," Rayanne mumbled, munching on the corner of her toast. She always ate it corner first, just to be different.

"It must've been, because Rayanne won't give up any details," Angela quipped, slightly put out, but mostly curious.

Shawn glanced at Rayanne, who met his gaze, unblinking. Part of him had hoped he'd been hallucinating that.. experience, but the challenge in her face told him it wasn't so. They'd actually gotten each other off, talking dirty about the ones they really wanted to be with, the ones within footsie-playing distance from them right now.

Shit.

"Yup. She's a mystery, that Rayanne - full of secrets."

A scowl, followed by aggressive toast-chomping. 

"Well, Shawn isn't talking, either. It's.. weird." Cory reached for the peanut butter, slathering a generous blade-full onto his toast. Shawn sighed.

"Okay. Let's just rip off the Band-Aid. Cory, you and Angela aren't clicking, am I right?"

The two of them exchanged guilty glances, knowing it was true.

"And, me and Rayanne aren't gonna work out, either. So why don't we just admit it to ourselves right now, instead of wasting the entire summer?"

Cory's face was pitiful. "But.. what about epic?"

Shawn rested a hand on his friend's shoulder. "It can still be epic, just not like that."

Cory's wheels were spinning. "What if we switch partners?"

Shawn and Rayanne's shocked stares collided over the plate of toast. Did he just .. ?

"What?" Angela had choked out.

"I mean, maybe me and Rayanne could go out, and you and Shawn.."

Shawn had found in Rayanne a sort of kindred spirit. They had a level of understanding, and, had she been a guy, he could see himself maybe making a short-lived mistake with her.. but Angela? Angela was even more boring than Cory. Flat. Introverted. Cory, at least, had delusions of popularity; he was genial, doggedly determined to be friendly, and had a sense of humor. Angela was.. like watching paint dry. Besides which, Cory had basically just reduced all four of them to breeding creatures, or objects to be rearranged on a whim.

"I can't believe you'd even, like, think of that, let alone say it," Angela voiced.

Rayanne concurred. "No shit! I mean, I DO have some say in who I - "

Shawn gently put a hand over her mouth, not wanting her to drop the f-bomb, and got his fingers licked for his troubles.

"Ew! See, Cory, there's no way you two would work. She's too wild."

Cory deflated slightly, his dreams of a summer romance - with a parallel affair for his bestest bud - slipping away.

"So that's it? We're single again, just like that?"

Eyes shifted around the table. Angela felt, like, bad, or something, so she tried to pick a sliver of goodness from the wreckage.

"But friends, though. To hang out, and stuff," she offered.

"Sure. Maybe we could, you know, pimp you out. Hook you guys up. What are friends for,?" Rayanne chimed in. 

Shawn caught the gleam in Ray's eye. "What are you up to?," he wordlessly asked with an arch of his brow. Rayanne simply smiled, snagging another slice of toast.

"Penny for your thoughts, Cor?"

He was buttering his toast furiously. Tearing it up. Til the gooey fatness was sliding off onto his plate. Shawn wanted to kiss those pursed-in lips, draw them out with his teeth, make them rosy and plump.

"That's. Fine. Yeah. Why wouldn't it be fine?"

He wasn't upset over losing Angela; you can't lose what was never yours. He was upset over the loss of the fantasy. The idea of it. That, and it would've been nice to have a tale to tell when they got home, however embellished.

Elsewhere, music began to play. Anna had a thing about music at odd times, early morning being one of those times. As the intro wafted towards them, Shawn groaned.

"Oh, hell, no. HE-E-E-LL to the no!" He shoved away from the table, and Cory followed. Rayanne and Angela did likewise.

As they approached the porch, Anna was dancing up a storm, being a big kid, and they couldn't help but laugh.

"PLEASE not this song! I can't!" Shawn tried for pained, but failed. She was so adorkable. 

Anna began to sing along, using her fork as a microphone. "Summer lovin', had me a blast.." 

Cory knew the words. Of course he did. Soon the two of them were doing the swim and being ridiculous, and the bad feeling evaporated with the morning dew.

Maybe things could be okay. Nobody had had their heart broken, right?

Not yet.


	14. I Breathe Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it takes almost losing something to realize just how much it means to you.
> 
> This is kind of a long chapter, but I didn't want to break it into multiple chapters, so there.

Things had been going okay. With one week left before the boys had to return home, back to their boring, normal lives, they started to get a little reckless. Nobody had found anybody new to make out with, but it was kind of nice, just the four of them, no expectations.

So it seemed on the outside, anyway.

Inside, Rayanne was dying. The way Ray and Shawn kept talking in private, they almost seemed like a couple. It wasn't that, though; it was the knowledge that soon they'd lose the chance to confide in one another.

"I gotta.. I gotta do something." Ray was itching for a release - a drink, a blunt, a blade. Shawn knew she was desperate. On the edge.

"You've done so great, Ray. You can do this."

She shook her head. "I can't do this anymore. How long have you been waiting for your moment?"

Shawn sighed, resting his head against the tree whose shade they were enjoying. "Too many years. Twelve?"

It was counted in days, hours, minutes, and opportunities missed.

"So I can't do that. I don't have the patience."

"You just gonna walk up to her and lay it on her?"

Ray chewed her lip. Shawn fished a sucker from his pocket, offering her oral fixation a healthier outlet. 

"You can name it Angela," he teased. She shot him a look, then smiled.

"You really are an asshole, you know that?"

"I know."

Cory and Angela were currently finding daredevil uses for the playground equipment. Angela had impressed Shawn with the risks she was taking, which were giving Cory a series of mild coronaries. It was getting dark, and they'd have to leave the park soon. The friends were reluctant to part company just yet.

"I just had a genius idea," Ray confided in a stage whisper.

Shawn was all ears. 

"Let's go to the pool."

Angela scoffed. "Um, it's, you know, CLOSED after dark?"

Rayanne waggled her eyebrows. "So?"

Cory sided with the redhead. "So, even if we COULD get in, we don't have any swim... suits.. "

Shawn was thankful no one could see him blushing in the dark. Rayanne was watching the dawn of realization on Cory Matthew's face.

"You mean.. naked?" Cory made it sound so.. shocking. Was it? 

Shawn shrugged, trying to be cool. "It'd make a bad-ass story for back home. Skinny-dipping, in public - with two girls, no less."

Cory was being swayed. It was almost too easy.

Angela thought of how, like, scandalized everyone would be. How freaked out Jordan would be. "I'm in."

"Cory?"

"Okay. Yeah. I mean, God made naked people and said they were very good, right?"

Ray patted him on the head. "They taught you somethin' good in Bible school, huh? Let's GO! WOOOO!"

Shawn laughed as Rayanne whooped through the park like a madwoman.

This was going to be epic.

\-------------------------------------

The gate was embarrassingly easy to bypass. The safety lights gave the water an eerie glow, and there were no crowds, no lifeguards, no rules. Shawn got hard just thinking about that last part.

No rules.

Rayanne, hyped on sugar and teenage hormones, started stripping first. She'd been naked around two guys at once before - although, the fact that neither one of them was going to be touching her did make this time different. Shawn watched her for a moment, dazed by her boldness - envious, even. She shook her hair down loose, and it added to her wild-woman look. Her lithe body slid almost soundlessly into the water, while Angela was still barely down to her underwear. 

Cory was hesitating, his thumbs hooked into the waistband of his smalls. Boxers? Wow. Shawn would've guessed tidy whities, but then, he'd made a point of not being around the past few years while Cory changed clothes. Sitting on the edge of the pool, his feet in the water, Cory scrounged up the nerve, shoving his underwear down his legs and kicking them free before submerging himself. It was warm, pleasant, and the single most rebellious thing he'd ever done. Angela wasn't far behind, and Shawn noticed with no surprise that Angela's 'other' hair was far from red. 

"Shawnsieeee," Ray teased, waving. Fuck, but she could be a tease, and not just in a sexual way. Shawn cursed under his breath, rushing to finish getting naked. That's when things turned.. weird.

Cory stopped his water-fight with Angela and watched as Shawn walked to the steps at the shallow end of the pool. His best friend, naked. Fuck. When had Shawn gotten so.. manly? Cory was glad to be in the water already.

With every step, Shawn reminded himself to breathe. Ray had figured he'd jump in at the deep end, bypassing exposure, but no. He was getting off on this, on the attention. On *Cory's* attention. Clever. She felt a little proud of him, in a twisted kind of a way.

"Wow," Angela said, blushing a little.

"Not bad." Rayanne had to pretend this was new to her, seeing this particular.. aspect of Shawn. It really wasn't bad.

Shawn descended the stairs, his toned form slicing through the surface of the water as he moved towards his friends. "This was a great idea, Ray. Thanks."

She laughed. "So proper. 'Thank you for sharing.' Like, group therapy or something."

He summoned a wave, letting it crash into her. "It kinda is, isn't it?"

Cory felt a lump in his throat he couldn't explain. He felt so vulnerable being naked, but, these were his friends. They were safe. They didn't judge.

He was judging himself enough to make up for it.

The night was warm, and they kept moving to generate heat, their voices low. The pool seemed enormous with just the four of them in it, but there was an intimacy, like the world was just born, and they were figuring out what to do first. Ray couldn't believe her best friend, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, was actually *doing* this. 

"I feel like doing something crazy."

Rayanne was shocked by the sound of her own voice, the purr to it. Angela shivered at the strangeness of it.

"Crazier than skinny-dipping or trespassing?," Shawn teased.

"Trespassing? Isn't that, like, illegal?"

Everyone shot Cory a softer version of a 'duh' look, and he piped down. Clearly, he hadn't thought this through.

"Like, maybe we should take turns.."

Shawn's heart stuttered to a stop, freezing for several seconds as he waited for her to finish her thought.

"..putting on a show."

Angela laughed, covering her mouth a moment too late to stifle the harsh bark of a sound. "A show?"

"You can't do a strip-tease if you're already naked," Shawn pointed out.

"Well no, but, you can do an already-stripped tease. What do you say, Shawn? Will you be my glamorous assistant?"

Cory was watching his friend closely, and Shawn felt the pressure. What was his bud wanting him to do?

"Uh, okay.. Like how?"

"Just spot me while I do my tricks."

"Tricks?"

"Stunts. Moves. Whatever." 

Rayanne began to back away from Shawn and the others, and Angela felt she should say something.

"Couldn't we just play truth or dare or spin the bottle or something?"

"Truth is for wusses. You'd never pick dare," Rayanne shot back, making her way up the steps. In actuality, she was afraid of that game. Truth was too dangerous; honesty would expose more than nudity ever could.

"What is she doing?," Cory asked, his voice sounding strained. Was it taut with desire, or disapproval?

Ray made her way to the diving board, using it as her catwalk. There was no music, but she moved to her own internal rhythm, the sensual flow of her blood as she flushed scarlet, the bass-line of her heart. Angela did not look away, did not laugh or scowl; this moment was everything. When would she ever get another opportunity like tonight? 

Shawn moved to a safe spot near the diving board, waiting - for what, he wasn't sure. Ray dipped down low, winding her body for the others to see. Shawn wasn't sure which he dreaded more - that his body would respond, or that it wouldn't. Either way, he felt Cory gauging his reaction. If he didn't get hard, what would that tell Cory about him?

When Rayanne's hands began to slide down her breasts, teasing the nipples into hard peaks, Angela felt weak. Was she - ?

"Oh my God," Cory breathed. Shawn bristled.

The hands slid down to the small swell of her hips, resting there for a moment. She continued to dance on that narrow plank, and Angela was frozen, mute. 

When Rayanne moved toward the end of the board, she thrust her arms skyward, her breasts jutting up and out, her lean stomach now elongated. Angela had never noticed Ray's figure, hidden beneath an endless stream of baggy over-shirts, but she was actually.. um.. 

"Catch me!," Rayanne said, her feet springing from the board and into the air. Just as she left the solidity and safety of that surface, a shout of "Hey!" sounded from beyond the fence. Rayanne twisted toward the sound, and as gravity sent her towards the water, she smacked her head on the board - hard.

Angela heard the sickening sound, and bile rose in her throat. Her friend's unconscious form slid beneath the surface of the water, and Shawn sprang into action, propelling himself downward and scooping her up in his arms. Cory made his way to the side of the pool, grabbing clothing and tossing it to Angela as she emerged - but she shoved him away. Shawn laid Rayanne on the ground poolside, and Angela took control.

"Move back. I need to.." Rayanne was not breathing. "Fuck!" Angela began to do chest compressions, pausing to listen for signs of life. Cory was now in his boxers, though they were on backwards, while Shawn had slipped straight back into his jeans. Cory ended up in Shawn's shirt, but nobody cared. 

Angela leaned over her friend, pressing their mouths together and forcing air into Ray's lungs. One, two, three. Wait. One, two, three. Wait. Finally, Rayanne began to cough up water, and Angela could begin to breathe again. 

"Oh my God! You're - shit, we gotta get outta here!" Angela and Shawn each slung one of Rayanne's arms over their neck and carried her bodily out of there. Cory scooped up the remaining clothing, Angela oblivious to the fact that she was still naked.

They sought shelter behind the bathroom block, and when no further interruptions ensued, they exhaled. Angela had Cory's shirt over her, and Rayanne's panties; they couldn't find Angela's. 

"Angela.."

"It's okay. You just got knocked out. You'll be fine."

"N-noo.. I could've.."

"But you didn't. You're alive. I'll take you home." She was dressing as far as she was able to do so in the dark.

"I couldn't die yet. I had to tell you."

Angela stopped mid-button. "Tell me what?"

Shawn urged her on without a word.

"That I love you."

Angela finished dressing, slowly, her hands shaking. From the adrenaline. From the relief. "I.. I know you do. And, I love you too. You're my best friend."

Ray's fingers encircled Ange's wrist. "No. I mean I love you, as a person. As.. a woman."

Cory thought Ray must've hit her head really, super hard. Shawn felt tears prickling at his eyes.

"You saved me."

"Shawn saved you."

"Not just tonight. Tonight you saved me with your lips, but I mean every day. You save me from myself."

Angela felt hot, then cold. Then both.

"I just.." Angela couldn't find the words. 

"It's okay. You don't have to feel it. I just wanted you to know. Please still be my friend."

"I save you?"

"You save me from being ten times worse. I was dead before you. When you touch me, I breathe again."

They stared at one another for a long moment, Angela needing to be sure Ray understood what she was saying, and Ray needing to be sure Angela didn't hate her. When they'd searched one another's faces and found the answers to questions Angela hadn't known she needed to ask, there was no room for fear. Together, they had talked and fought and laughed and grown until there was nowhere else for them to go and nothing left for them to do but kiss.

And so they did. 

"I love you, too. Don't ever do anything that stupid again, or I swear to God, Ray.."

"I will. I'll do stupid things. But I'll try to be less stupid. For you."

"For us." They kissed again.

Cory felt like HE'D hit his head. "What just happened? Did that just happen? Did that thing that happened just happen?"

Shawn nodded, placing a hand on Cory's shoulder. Too much chlorine; his eyes were stinging. "Yeah, man. It happened."

Cory reminded them all of the need to get out of there before Angela and Rayanne ended up sharing a cell in a juvenile detention center.

With nebulous plans to meet the next day, the boys made sure the girls got back to Angela's safely.

Alone back at Anna's, Shawn felt it would be a long night. Anna seemed hopeful when she saw them both arrive flustered and with their clothes switched around and in disarray, but one shake of Shawn's head behind Cory's line of sight told her that hope was in vain. "Did you guys at least have fun?"

"Well, Rayanne and Angela definitely had a memorable evening," Cory quipped. 

"I'll talk to you about it later. I think it's past Cory's bedtime," Shawn said sheepishly. 

Yep. Long night.


	15. A Little Less Conversation..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Anna talk.
> 
> Shawn and Cory talk. 
> 
> Angela and Rayanne talk and..

Anna was, like, Shawn's fairy godmother. A queer one. Queery Godmother? 

"I was gonna make a move, but then Rayanne hit her head, and.. it kind of didn't seem like the time."

Anna nodded, agreeing. "Not the time."

Shawn sighed. His nerves were still running on high alert, though the herbal tea had taken the edge off. "I'm happy for my friends, really. But I'm jealous of what they have. I mean, do I have to almost die to find my voice? Does something bad have to happen to make me say it?"

"Honey, you've got a few days left til you go home. I know this isn't some exotic tropical paradise, but it's a vacation. People do crazy things on vacay; they fall in love, or swim with sharks, or get food poisoning from eating things they can't pronounce.."

That got a small laugh.

"And if they have regrets later, well, they can chalk it up to vacation brain. Temporary insanity. Getting carried away."

Shawn finished his tea. "We should've played Marco Polo. Much safer. And with more 'accidental' touching."

She laughed, play-punching him on the arm. "Tomorrow is another day. And it's only a few hours away."

He nodded. "Gotta get through tonight first." 

He made his way upstairs, relieved to find Cory was stretched out in bed, not in the hallway or anywhere near the kitchen. As Shawn settled into his own bunk, he heard Cory's voice.

"Shawn?"

Shit.

"Yeah, Cor?"

"What do you think those two are doing right now?"

Shawn had to laugh at that, and it sounded raw. Naughty. "Well, I can tell you what they're NOT doing. They're NOT laying in separate beds wondering what Shawn and Cory are up to."

Cory blushed. "Okay, but, I mean, what do two girls even, you know, DO?"

Was this guy for real? "Your parents have a computer, right?"

"Shawn, don't change the subject. This is important."

Oy.

"Cory, two women can do just about anything a man and a woman can do. In fact," he was excited to be able to interject this, "two men can do just about anything that a man and a woman can do."

Silence. Silence. Soul-crushing pause.

"Oh."

Aaand exhale.

"Like what?"

"Cory! Did you pay any attention in sex ed?"

"Not really. Mrs. Finkelmeister rattling off the names of bodily parts and functions wasn't exactly riveting stuff."

"Agreed. But, man, you know: kissing, touching, licking, sucking - "

"Fucking?" It had taken a lot for him to say that word, but now that he had, Cory wasn't sure he wouldn't want to repeat the experience. It felt.. powerful.

"YES! Fucking. It's different, but, it's real."

Cory was silent again.

"Do you think it's okay - I mean, girl-girl, or guy-guy?"

Shawn's blood ran cold. "Yeah. I think love is great. As long as they're not, you know, hurting anyone." He shouldn't ask, but he had to. He had to know.

"How 'bout you, Cor? If I, I dunno, brought a guy to prom, would you flip out?"

Cory bolted upright. "Damn right I would, Shawn!"

Shawn bit his lip.

"I'd demand to know why *I* wasn't your date! I mean, I look good in a tux, right?"

Breathe. Just breathe.

"I meant it as a hypothetical situation, dude."

Cory settled back down. "Don't talk about other guys like that, even as a joke. It angries up the blood for me."

"You're doing that weird cute old Jewish guy thing again. 'Angries up the blood'?"

"I'm serious. If you can't get a date for prom, ask me. No other guys. We'll, I don't know, stand in the corner and make fun of the girls in their poofy dresses and the guys who can't put two dance moves together."

This had muddied the waters considerably. "What are you saying, Cory?"

"I'm saying.. I'm saying I've never been as close to anyone as I am to you. I just.. You can be whoever you are, but not with.. not.." He trailed off. 

"Cory?"

As the seconds stretched on, Cory felt guilt building inside of him, pulling him down to a dark place. What DID he mean? Feigning sleep, stalling for time, he did eventually succumb to unconsciousness. Shawn rolled over, tired but unable to drift off. 

So close, and yet..

He wondered about Ange and Ray, not in a pervy, voyeuristic sense, but as their friend. Shawn was happy for them, and for all the physical and emotional firsts they were enjoying. He remembered Ray's hand on his skin, and the feel of her wetness on his fingers. It wasn't a mistake, exactly, but it would never happen again. She was with the one she really wanted and needed.

Shawn had been wrong about one thing. As the day dawned and the two exhausted lovers finally disentangled to get some shut-eye, Rayanne did think of Cory and Shawn, aware of how lucky she was, and wishing the same happiness for the two of them.


	16. Purple Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cory and Anna have a long-overdue heart to heart.
> 
> Dedicated to all the real-life 'cousin Annas' out there :)

Shawn was up early. Cory wondered where he was, but decided not to panic. He was too chicken to go in search of him, but more than that, he needed some advice before facing up to his mini-freakout of the night before.

His best friend had been asking him something, and he had fumbled.

Anna was in the kitchen (did the woman ever SLEEP?), icing a cookie cake. More baked treats announced their imminent arrival via delicious aromas emanating from the oven.

"Hey, sleepyhead. Lookin' for Shawn?"

He sat down. "Actually, I came to talk to you about him."

Anna set down the icing bag. "Uh oh. What's up?"

"I don't really know." Flashes of summer hijinks ran through his mind - the party.. Mr. Frost's.. the pool.. Shawn naked.. the drive there.. Shawn naked.. Shawn naked..

"Shawn told me some wild tale of skinny-dipping and lesbian love. What's your take on it?"

Cory looked at his hands. His useless, empty, cowardly hands. "I think that's about how it went down."

"So no summer girlfriends for either of you, huh?" Anna seemed amused.

"Nope. Looks that way. That's not why I'm bummed out."

"Oh?"

How could he make her understand? Anna was taking a sip of her coffee as Cory began.

"I hear a lot of people talking about labels. Like, 'gay' and 'lesbian' and 'bi'. I don't really understand them."

She swallowed her sip, trying not to choke on it.

"Do you know any gay people?"

Now she was sputtering. "Uh, yeah. A few."

"Well, I thought I liked Angela, but.. I didn't feel anything when I kissed her. She's nice, and smart, and funny, but.."

"Cory, feelings aren't in our control. It's what we do with them that's in our power." She had to press him a little here. "How do you feel, Cory?"

He frowned. "I'm happy for those two. I just.. feel sort of betrayed. I mean here I was thinking of Angela one way, when really, she was somebody else. I didn't even know her."

Oh, boy. "Maybe she didn't know what she wanted when you met. You might have helped her figure it out. Ever think of that?"

Cory thought of it then. "So I helped?"

"Looks that way. If she didn't feel anything when she kissed you..."

Cory realized something else. "Rayanne must not have felt anything with Shawn, either. Do me and Shawn turn girls gay, cousin Anna?"

She laughed. "First off, I'm not *your* cousin - but thanks. Secondly, I don't think that's how it works. I never liked kissing boys, either. That's why I stopped doing it."

Cory was stunned. "You?"

"Me. Shawn figured it out when you guys first got here."

"More secrets," Cory murmured. 

"It's not a case of secrets, like, keeping it from you to be mean. Some people are scared to admit to who they really are. Some people don't KNOW yet who they really are. I wanted you to get to know me as a person, not as a label."

Cory nodded. "Makes sense. But how did Shawn figure it out so fast?"

Right on cue.. "You'll have to ask him yourself. Excuse me a moment; I gotta finish icing Lisee's cake."

Anna was trying the 'give a cake, get a date' tactic. Hey, if nothing else, it made the kitchen smell nice, right?

Shawn entered the room, grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table, and gave Cory a wounded smile. "Hey, Cor." "Hey." "Can we take this into the purple room?" 

Cory followed him to the living room.

"Where were you this morning? Normally I'm up first."

Shawn studied the purple carpet. "I took a walk."

Cory waited for more, like a nagging housewife who'd been up all night worrying. "A walk?"

"Yeah, Cor, a walk. You really hurt me last night."

"I hurt YOU? You were the one talking about taking someone else to prom!"

"It was a joke! Like, an example! A what-if!"

"Well it wasn't a joke to me!"

Shawn paced a little, his apple forgotten, a red blob looking so out of place in the purple room. "What do you want from me, Cory? I mean, I invite you to spend the summer with me so you won't be bored or lonely. You want us to try to find girlfriends, so I do that. I date a girl I don't even like that way to keep you happy, and it's not enough."

"You didn't like her that way?"

"Didn't you hear what I said?"

"Why would you - "

"To try to be normal, Cory. And.. and because I do a lot of stuff just to make your world the way you want it to be."

"What do you mean, 'normal'? You're the cool friend, the one who gets invited places. You always know what to do, what to say. How are you not 'normal'?"

Shawn plopped down onto an overstuffed loveseat. "Not always. There are times, Cory, where I don't have a God-damned clue what I'm doing." Cory was agape at the G-d, so Shawn toned it down a little. "I mean, there's some stuff you don't know about me. Stuff you might not like."

Cory was concerned. "Like what? Since when have I ever judged you? I have always been there, Shawn, ready to listen, ready to try to help. I know I don't always understand, but I always try." 

Shawn felt his heart swelling to the size of the room, filling the space, expanding and contracting with Cory's words. Their breathing was in synch now, both of them afraid of something unspoken, unnamed. Shawn felt like he was dying, and yet, he'd never felt more alive. 

"I can't.. I just can't do this right now."

"Then WHEN, Shawn? I feel like you're turning into somebody else, and I don't know that I like it all that much."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean you keep dancin' around something, being so.. irritable, and secretive.. You and Rayanne have talked more than me and you."

That seemed to set Cory's mind spinning in ever-faster circles. 

"Me and Angela struggled to find anything in common. What did you two talk about so much?"

"It's private."

"Did she tell you about liking Angela?"

Shawn pursed his lips. "That was part of it, yeah."

Cory looked at the time. "We're supposed to meet them soon. Maybe Ray will talk to me, since you clearly don't want to."

Cory moved towards the door, and Shawn watched him go. Last night, Cory wasn't ready to deal with things; now, Shawn wasn't.

Would they ever make it off this seesaw?


	17. Seesaws and Swings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys, girls, and the games they play
> 
> What happens when the rules change?

Shawn felt like there was a force field between himself and his best friend as they reached the park. Even side by side, they were separate. He was different; he knew that now. Cory would never fully understand, but would he accept it? Shawn wasn't becoming a different person; he was just.. letting the rest of his real self out. 

It hurt. Shawn thought of snakes shedding their skins, or hermit crabs outgrowing their shells; did those things hurt? They weren't changing their fundamental selves - they were just adapting to their world. 

Would gay Shawn fit in Cory's world?

Rayanne was all smiles, exhausted but elated. Angela rubbed self-consciously at her neck, which was currently sporting several impressive bruises. 

"Wow. Who knew Pennsylvania had such a bad mosquito problem?," Shawn teased, pointing at her blotchy skin. She blushed deep enough to match her hair.

"I know, I know. Mom tried to stop me on the way out, wanting to know if me and Jordan were back together. I couldn't get out of there fast enough."

Rayanne nodded, relishing the memory. "Hey, at least she'll be able to stop worrying about you getting knocked up."

"Shut UP!" Angela swatted at her girlfriend, but there was no menace in it.

Cory smiled at their happiness. They seemed to be adjusting so well, and so quickly. The tension between them had dissolved, giving way to an ease, a special bond. Rayanne in particular seemed like a new woman. No; that wasn't quite right. She was the same Rayanne as before, only - she could be herself. 

Cory looked at Shawn, who was basking in that joy. He looked like a starving man, staring in through a window at a wonderful banquet; he couldn't taste its delights, but he could imagine what that would be like, and he could be glad for those who were there.

In that moment, it all made sense - terrifying, heart-wrenching, life-changing sense. He wanted to vomit. Was that from fear, shame, or both? 

"Swing with me?," Ray asked her lover. The two of them walked to the swings, Ray holding loosely onto Ange's fingers. Shawn watched them go, withdrawing into his own thoughts.

"Shawn?"

"Yeah?"

"Walk with me?"

He fell into step without a word. They meandered towards the trees at the edge of the park, the silence trailing them like a cloud. 

"I'm sorry."

Cory stopped. "For what?"

"I.. Whatever I did to mess things up. Just forget everything I said. Put it out of mind."

"I can't do that, Shawn. If it was important enough to bring up, then it's important enough to finish. I think I know what you.. I get what you were trying to tell me."

Shawn leaned up against a tree, needing it to ground him. Swings and roundabouts, him and Cory, forever. "You don't. You seriously, seriously - "

"Shawn. I get it, because I think I'm feeling the same thing."

He couldn't look at Cory's face, couldn't risk falling apart when whatever Cory said next came out of left field. 

"You want what they have. Best friends, yeah, but.. Ray was miserable. She went from guy to guy looking for the one thing none of them could ever give her. She looked for the answer at the bottom of a bottle, and in pills and other messed-up stuff - because she couldn't get a taste of what she really craved."

He took a cautious step forward, until his shoes came into Shawn's line of sight. "Is that why? The reason you drank? The reason you kept running away? Because you were looking for something?" 

Shawn's heart was in his throat. 

"We're gonna play a game, Shawn. Every time I get something right, you're going to nod, and I'm going to take a step towards you. Every time I get something wrong, you shake your head, and I'll take a step back. If I've got it all wrong, Shawn, I'll walk away. But if I've got it right.."

Shawn closed his eyes, praying the tree could hold him upright. 

"If I'm right, Shawn, you spill your guts. No more secrets. No more bullshit."

He said nothing, but he shrank into himself a little. Cory started the game.

"You don't like kissing girls."

Shawn let his head fall forward in a half-nod. It did not come back up for several moments. Cory took a step forward. 

"You want something from me, something you don't think I'll be okay with."

Another nod, small, but clear. Another step.

"If Ray hadn't gotten hurt at the pool, you had something you wanted to try. Something to do with me, with US, naked."

Shawn nodded one last time, and Cory was now in his space, breathing his air.

"I felt it. I felt you holding back. I felt something in myself."

He could already imagine how Shawn would taste, his kiss. So close now - 

"You don't know what you're doing, Cory. You don't know what you - "

"I know what I want. I know who I am. It just took leaving home for the summer and getting into a wrong relationship to show me what's real. What was there the whole time, only I couldn't see it."

Shawn bit back tears.

"I need you to say it, Shawn. You know what I mean."

"Cory.."

A hand moved, then another, one positioned on either side of him, effectively pinning Shawn against the tree. There was no way out of this without getting violent, and Shawn would rather die than lay a hand on Cory that way.

"Shawn."

"I.."

Forehead to forehead now, and Shawn felt his third eye buzzing to life, his soul opening up. He could hear Ange and Ray on the swings, their peals of laughter, carefree. In love.

"I love you, Cory. I've always - "

And Cory was there, his lips sealing them together as one, better than a dream, better than he'd ever wished. He tasted like home.

"You're crazy. You've lost your ever-loving mind," Shawn murmured against his friend's face.

"So go crazy with me. Let's go insane, Shawn. You always have the best bad ideas; well, you and Rayanne. So let's see where this one takes us."

"Your parents are going to freak. And your brother. And - "

"Doesn't matter. They're the family I was born with, but you're the family I chose. You're already part of us, Shawn, just like Anna has accepted me as part of your family."

Anna. Anna! She was going to embarrass the shit out of them. In a loving way, but still.

"How long?"

"Our whole lives, pretty much."

Cory thought about launching into a 'think of all the time we've wasted' kvetch, but decided they'd wasted enough of the summer. 

"I love you, Shawn. If I woke up tomorrow and you'd turned into a woman, it wouldn't change anything."

"Well, we'd need birth control," Shawn joked, then realized he might be moving things too fast for Cory. Cory just smiled.

"True." After a pause, Cory added, "You might have to give me a crash-course in sex ed. Like I told you, I didn't really pay attention."

Shawn pulled him in for another kiss. "Oh, yeah. No problem. What are friends for?"

Sex ed lessons and true confessions. Epic.


	18. Self-Control (Is Over-rated)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If something seems too good to be true.. it just might be.
> 
> Then again, sometimes reality is better than anything we could have wished for.

Shawn heard a moan. Opening his eyes, the sensation of the tree against his back and the lips against his own dissolved into the darkness. 

His heart and his mind had conspired against him yet again, offering him visions of a future he could never attain.

Shawn noticed both of his hands were above the blanket. Sometimes in his sleep, they'd wander, but not this time. So if it wasn't *him* moaning, who was - ?

"Cory?"

There was tension in the room, the absence of sound now so absolute that Shawn knew Cory was awake and trying to be utterly silent. Why? What did he have to fear? 

"You okay?" Shawn was ready to let go of their quasi-argument. The pain lingered, but his friend's wellbeing was more important than his own comfort. 

"Shawn, I'm fine. Just.. I need to.."

Shawn waited. Cory began to move towards the door, his gait too rapid. Was he going to be sick?

"Cor?"

"Just.. you're dreaming. Go back to sleep."

Shawn couldn't begin to unpack how illogical that command was. He waited a few minutes, and when Cory didn't return, he went in search of him.

Rapping lightly on the bathroom door, he held his breath.

"Cory?"

The sound of running water, followed by the rustle of the towel as Cory dried his hands. Shawn could picture him so clearly, and yet, when he opened the door, Cory looked.. different. Wrong.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

Cory brushed past his friend, seeking the cover of waning darkness. The hallway light was yellow and unforgiving; if he stayed in its wake too long, Shawn might see the change in him, this.. *thing* which had him so distressed.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Cory settled into his bed, and Shawn imagined what it would be like to squeeze in beside him, to be that close - 

"This can't go on. You have to talk to me."

Silence. The best part of the dream - the one that might actually be of some help - came back to Shawn in vivid Technicolor. 

"We're gonna play a game, Cory. When I get something right, you raise your arm, and I'll take a step forward. If I get something wrong, do nothing, and I'll take a step back. If I'm wrong, Cory, I'll walk away - but if I figure it out and reach the bed, you spill your guts. No more bullshit. No more secrets."

Cory burned with shame, restless energy making him want to bolt from the bed - but Shawn's voice, so calm, so sure, kept him in place. He wanted Shawn to know, even though it terrified him. He wanted this secret out, the one he'd wrestled with all night, and, if he was honest with himself, for quite a long time before that. 

"I think you had a dream, Cory - one that doesn't gel with your version of how the world is supposed to be. How your life is supposed to turn out."

Cory raised an arm in silent salute to the truth, then let it fall. Shawn took a step towards the bed. He looked other-worldly to Cory, backlit as he was by the hall light. He wanted to ask Shawn to close the door, but worried it would make things seem too real, too final.

"You had a dream about you and me. A Cory and Shawn dream."

Another salute, the muscles in his arm trembling as he let his limb flop back down to the bed. Crashing to earth, as his heart would soon do. How could Shawn ever accept - 

"You were moaning because.. you were feeling something. Holding it back, trying to control it. You thought you could make it go away in the bathroom, but it's still there."

A third correct guess. Cory's pulse was roaring inside of his skull, the whoosh-whoosh sound of his life being swept away by floods of emotions. Three letters loomed large on the horizon, gaining height as they rushed towards him, threatening the very bedrock of his life, his identity: G - A - Y...

"I have those dreams too, Cor. I've had them as long as I can remember." Cory opened his eyes, finding Shawn was hovering just inches above him. 

"You do?"

"Yeah. I had one last night. A dream where you made me see myself. You made me tell you."

"Tell me what?"

Cory wasn't being ironic. He wasn't saying it to prolong the agony; he truly didn't know.

"That I love you. That I've always, always loved you."

Cory's breath escaped in a rush, and when new air forced its way in, it was shallow, panting. Hot.

"I love you, too, Shawn. I want.. I just.. want.."

"Do you trust me?"

Cory didn't answer with a word. He pulled Shawn the hair's breadth closer needed in order to facilitate the kiss, the one he'd been waiting for and practicing for all his life.

Shawn made a sound like a sigh into his mouth, and Cory swallowed it down, feeding off of it. 

The door was still open, spilling light into the room, and somewhere outside, the sun was rising - but this couldn't wait. Neither of them wanted to move from that spot, locked as one. Shawn feared that the instant his foot breached the floor, he'd awaken to find that this was a dream within a dream, a fall down an endless flight of stairs, descending at last into total, permanent madness. He wanted this moment, even if it could only ever happen the once, in a strange house and a strange bed in the half-dark. God, please, just give me this, and I'll ask for no more. I'll lay down and die when it's over, only - one moment -

Cory's body had stepped on the gas, throwing his mind out the window. He was all hands and lips and tongue, hungry and wanting. Every inch of him that Shawn touched burst into flame, and he knew they should slow down, that first times were special and sacred and eternally remembered, but their bodies were running, striving to catch up with their hearts which had already joined as one.

"If you tell me to stop, I will," Shawn choked out, wrenching the promise from his swollen lips before he lost all semblance of restraint. "Just tell me, and I'll - "

Cory's hand, reaching for his own. "Don't stop. Don't think. Just feel."

Shawn felt the gift his hand was palming as it jerked and swelled beneath his touch. Cory was showing him his need, his willingness, and Shawn thanked him with another kiss, teeth grazing as they found new angles, tongues dancing and making those wet, wanton sounds which were unmistakable to anyone who might overhear.

The blanket became their tent, sunlight filtering through loosely woven cotton as Shawn struggled to free Cory of his oppressive t shirt and damp boxers. Burrowing beneath that thin material, Shawn found himself. The knowledge that Cory had sought refuge in the bathroom, had taken himself in hand in an attempt to expunge himself of his need for Shawn, to jerk and mutter curses at himself for his weakness, his want - fuck - made Shawn ache. 

"Did you ..? In the bathroom?"

Cory licked his lips, tasting the shame of it, tinged with the salt of coming absolution. "I couldn't do it. Not knowing you were right outside. I couldn't.. I couldn't keep quiet."

"But when I woke up.. were you..?"

Cory groaned. "I tried to be quiet, but I think.. part of me wanted you.. to catch me. To.."

Shawn wrapped his fingers around bare flesh, and Cory let out a hiss.

"I just needed to get it out of my system. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling."

"And now?" How could Shawn ask him that, his hand poised and ready all the while? How could he be so cruel?

"I want to feel everything. I want it all."

Shawn laughed, a rich, dark sound, low in his throat. "Greedy boy," he taunted, and it sounded like praise and a rebuke all rolled into one.

"Fuck, Shawn.."

"You wanted me to wake up and see you doing this?"

Another groan.

"Did you want me to touch you, like this?"

The fingers tightening, gripping, but staying away from the head. He needed - 

"Or like this?" The pad of his thumb, slightly calloused, passing over the slick tip, getting wet - 

"Or maybe.."

Shawn couldn't hold back any longer. The pool escapade had made him want to test how long he could hold his breath, how long he could stay submerged as Cory's hands combed through his hair, as he sucked him in like oxygen - 

"Shawn.." The voice, broken, pleading, a lover's prayer. Shawn, feeling powerful: I did this to him. This is how much he wants me.

Cory felt a tongue tracing a lazy alphabet over his crown. Maybe it was words - poetry, or even profanity. Cory neither knew nor cared. Every lick spelled out in plain English that he was loved.

Shawn felt the heat of their bodies pressing against the blanket, expanding outward. Dawn was upon them, and he could see Cory now, the way the muscles of his abdomen tensed and flexed, the hollow of his hip, the small scar from a treehouse tumble. Cory's hand raked through Shawn's hair, then gripped and pulled, sending a jolt of pleasure-pain through and through him until it grounded itself by Cory's rod. Lightning on a sunny day.

"Shhh," Shawn soothed, and Cory bit the back of his hand, trying to be quiet. The thought of being seen or overheard was sick and wrong and was making Cory's sac incredibly tight as he drew closer.

"I want you to cum.." Shawn's voice, dripping with the taste of him, slurred and drunk, making Cory dizzy.

"Not like this. I want.. I want you to.."

He shifted, pulling Shawn closer. "I want to please you, too."

Cory's hand sought Shawn's need, and they repositioned to where Cory could stroke Shawn and Shawn could stroke Cory. The blanket pooled around their upright forms, their faces exposed. 

Shawn had a fleeting thought that there was no WAY Anna would be doing *this* load of laundry, and then rational thought vanished, his mind a blank screen upon which Cory painted vivid pictures of what two young men could do together, both on vacation and back at home.

Cory cradled him with love, babied him as he'd never been babied, and he fairly wept at the wonder of it all.

"Cum with me, Shawn. Please."

His hand moving faster, while Shawn's went slow, slow, Cory's eagerness apparent in his continued litany of 'yes'es and 'Shawn's blending with Shawn's whimpers before devolving into a chant of 'Don't stop.. don't stop.. don'tstopdon'tstopdon't - "

Shawn captured Cory's cry in a kiss, letting it clash and melt into his own. Fingers continued to squeeze, milking it to the last, then releasing. The world had become softer, and so had they.

There was no catastrophic retribution. The world kept spinning; the dust motes continued to drift, oblivious. Somewhere downstairs, the sounds of their hostess' morning routine began their well-worn track. Each man searched the other's face, scanning for signs of shame or regret. There were none, each one's love and acceptance mirrored in the other's smile.

"What are you thinking right now?," Shawn wanted to know.

"Two things. One, that every morning should start so good."

Shawn laughed, his hair sliding forward into his face as he ducked beneath the compliment. "And two?"

Cory's face turned serious for a moment. "That I really, legit need to use the bathroom now."

That did it. They were still Shawn and Cory. Everything had changed, and yet, nothing had. Nothing had been lost.

"Okay. I'll let you go pee."

Cory scrambled out of bed to attend to his other bodily need. Upon returning, he gave Shawn a kiss.

"Promise me that from now on, you'll let me go pee BEFORE we get it on."

Shawn shook his head. "You can be such a chick," he said, tucking himself back into the pajama bottoms he'd never bothered to stop long enough to remove.

"Knock knock. Breakfast will be ready in a minute," Anna said cheerily. Shawn was grateful for the fact that his back was to the door. 

"Uh, great. We'll be there."

Cory covered his mouth once she was out of earshot. "Holy crap. That was - "

"Don't say it; I may never get a hard-on again. She's my COUSIN, man! That would be so - "

Anna popped her head back into view. "And guys? Mazel tov and all, but, shut the door next time, huh?"

Cory's inner dedushka came out in force, his hands cutting the air with every other word. "She was - ! And the whole time, she never once..! The nerve of the woman!" 

"I heard that, too! And don't let me catch you calling someone a 'chick' as an insult again, or else." She was giddy, enjoying this. Vicarious living. 

Shawn was shaking with laughter. Cory caught the giggles, too, only sobering when Shawn gave him another tender kiss.

"It could've been worse. It could've been someone in YOUR family."

Cory nodded. "Yeah. Think we should call home? Maybe send a postcard, give everyone a heads-up?"

Shawn considered it. "Nah. Let's wait. We can tell 'em when we get back. Together."

Cory smiled. "You're right. Together."

Aaand, in tandem:

"Epic."


	19. How I Spent My Summer Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parting is such.. um..
> 
> Whatever. 
> 
> The boys and girls say their goodbyes.
> 
> Endings and beginnings

The boys did, eventually, meet up with Ray and Ange as planned. One look at Shawn's face told Rayanne everything she could want or need to know; he was glowing. Cory had a new level of self-confidence about him, almost like swagger. Angela found it pleasantly unnerving.

Ray found a moment alone with Shawn.

"Shawn, it's like.. you're reborn. You look like you just saw God or something."

"I feel different. I don't know how to explain it; it's just.."

She rested a hand on his arm. "It's called being happy, Shawn. And it's about fucking time."

Rayanne knew a little about Shawn's past - more than Angela knew. They'd swapped some horror stories, that's for sure. Ray's hair was down, loose and care-free; Shawn tugged at a lock of it.

"You're different, too."

His friend beamed. "She loves brushing my hair, playing with it.. It's almost as good as sex. It's, like.. gentle. Nice."

"It's called being affectionate, Rayanne. Touching someone and making them feel good doesn't always have to lead to sex."

Both of them said it together: "And it's about fucking time."

Ray shifted her weight as she stood. "Jordan called her house last night."

Shawn's eyes widened, then narrowed. He didn't like that guy. "What for?"

She waved it off. "Who knows? Maybe he could smell it. He mumbled something and hung up; Angela's mom knocked on the door to tell us, but we were.."

Shawn feigned a wince. "I get it, I get it."

Cory and Angela made their way over, four ice cream cones in hand. "Little help?," Cory smiled.

"Sure thing," Shawn teased back, taking his. The erotic tension was palpable. 

"Oh, God, you're not gonna, like, feed each other in public or anything, are you?" Angela tried to keep the amusement out of her voice as she asked, but it was tough to stay somber when those two were making googly eyes at each other right in front of you.

"Maaaaybe."

As they sat on a picnic table - on the actual table part, their feet occupying the bench - Ray mouthed something to Angela.

"What?," the redhead whispered.

"This is you - later," Ray replied, doing impossibly erotic things to the soft-serve ice cream that would probably get someone arrested in stricter parts of the world. Or at least get them a fine or something.

Shawn, not to be outdone, demonstrated how much of the cone he could fit into his mouth without gagging. Cory got the message, paling a little, then blushing.

Damn.

Shawn really hoped Ray and Ange made it. School was starting soon, and they'd face all the usual pressures of classes, homework and various issues at home, with the added complications that went with dating your best friend. Angela had always been about the boys, though she hadn't made it very far physically. So maybe she wasn't a lesbian; maybe she was a lesbian-for-Rayanne kind of girl. It could work, if they both wanted it bad enough.

And as for him and Cory? Shawn had meant it when he'd asked the powers-that-be to give him that one moment; if it was the only time that ever took place, he'd live and die resigned to that fact. Every minute after that was a bonus for him; he hadn't planned for beyond that. Romance novels usually ended with the couple getting married, or finding out they were expecting; the day-to-day part of 'happily ever after' was glossed over or omitted. How would things play out in the real world? Getting off was easy and finite, but loving someone? It took every second of every day. Were they up to the challenge?

"Sounds like you're thinking." Cory broke his reverie.

"Oh yeah? What's thinking sound like?"

Cory considered for a moment. "Like a dryer full of acorns and fighting squirrels."

Shawn sighed. "Yeah. I was thinking."

Cory's hand on his was a shock, but nobody around them batted an eye. Then again, who here knew them or cared what they did? Who they did it WITH?

"Is this okay?" Cory was just as lost as he was.

"Yeah, man. It's okay. Couples hold hands."

"Right. And we're a couple. I can't have all those pretty girls out there thinking Shawn Hunter is available, getting their hopes up.."

It was said without a hint of judgment, which made it cut Shawn more deeply than any put-down ever could.

"Am I rushing you? Pushing you too far, too fast? I mean, you're still so inexperienced; am I denying you the chance to figure out who you are and what you want?"

Cory shook his head no, his eyes never leaving Shawn's. "You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. I know you never would. You love me too much for that."

Shawn blinked, clearing his vision. "I wouldn't. You're right. But I mean.. I've seen what's out there. Those girls didn't mean anything to me. I could go the rest of my life without ever.. you know."

Cory did.

"But can you say the same?"

"I don't want anyone else. I don't *need* anyone else. If you want me to hold off on spouting mush about forever, then so be it - but it's already written up here and in here," he said, pointing to his head and his heart. "It's there, and it's not going to be erased or crossed out. Just remember that."

Shawn wanted to be positive. He really did.

"Shawn, this isn't something I did just on a whim. It's been a long time coming. I won't say it's been the same as what you've been through, but it's real. It's me. This is me."

Shawn felt the color drain from his face as Cory rose to stand, stepping up onto the flat surface of the picnic table.

"Oh jeez," Shawn said, mortified and loving it.

"Friends! Pennsylvanians! Fellow teenagers! My name is Cory Matthews, and I just want you all to know that I love Shawn Hunter! He's the only one for me. I don't need to kiss girls or even other boys to know that this guy," Cory paused, looking down at Shawn in adoration. Shawn looked back at him, albeit from behind the shelter of his fingers, peeking through them.

Several heads had turned in casual interest. Cory resumed.

".. is my destiny."

A few people wondered if the speech was going to culminate in a proposal. When no further words were forthcoming, public interest waned. 

Cory sat beside his lover once more.

"You're my ice cream cone, Shawn. I could eat the same flavor every day for the rest of my life and never get bored."

Shawn fished the last dollop of his treat from the bottom of the cone. "Come try a bite of mine," he said, eyes flashing mischief as he slid his finger into his mouth. 

Cory met his invitation, the ice cream melting from one mouth to the other. Rayanne giggled and made a comment about a movie she'd watched having a similar scene, and when she explained it in whispers, Angela shrieked. "GOD! Really?"

The hours were filled with everything and nothing. Shawn and Cory had compared dreams, and found that no only did theirs have several points in common, but they also seemed almost prophetic. One of the girls would say something or do something, and the boys would exchange a glance, confirming that that, too, had been in 'their' dream.

"You think maybe your cousin's a witch?," Cory asked, mostly kidding, but not entirely.

"Nah. She is pretty cool, though. Every teenager needs a lesbian cousin to spend the summer with."

"So that part was right, too. Even in my dreams, I can figure other people out - but not myself." Cory was more amused than irritated.

"Think she'll find somebody? That big house will seem pretty empty without us there," Cory pondered.

"I'm sure she will. Maybe we can try to set her up before we leave town."

Cory nodded. "Yeah. I mean, what are friends for?"

\----------------------------------------

Dinner at Anna's was more subdued than their time at the park. They knew this was goodbye. None of them knew of any way to put into words what it had meant to be around other kids who understood and accepted them, who helped them face their truths and celebrated when things turned out well.

"You'll have each other," Cory offered reassuringly.

"Yeah. It's just, it was nice having you guys around. Plus Shawn could probably beat up half the bullies at our school," Ray added, trying for levity.

"Don't let anyone bully you," Shawn said softly. "You're not doing anything wrong. It's just different. People can get over it."

"I wish there was group.. like a club, or something. Like the chess club, or the drama club. For people .. like us." Angela felt stupid for voicing that dream, but Cory lit up.

"Hey. You could start one, the two of you. Show everyone it's okay to be different. There's bound to be other kids like you, just dying to tell somebody."

Angela and Ray looked at each other. Mrs. Chase *had* been a Scout mom for a brief moment when Ange had been part of a troop. Maybe she'd eventually come around to the idea of having 'meetings' at her house.

"What about you guys? Are you scared - of going home, starting school again, all that?"

Shawn looked at Cory. "You know what, Ray? Nothing is scary to me now. I've already faced my worst fears, and everything turned out okay."

"Better than okay," Cory corrected.

"Yeah."

It was time to finish up dessert and see the girls out. Angela was chewing on the ends of her hair, trying not to cry.

"Cory.. You were the best pretend-boyfriend I've ever had," she admitted. 

"Wow. Didja hear that, Shawn? The best!" Cory took praise where he could get it.

She laughed through her sniffles. "I don't want it to come out wrong.. I really care about you, and, I'm gonna miss you."

Ray chucked him on the arm. "Sorry we didn't really get to hang more. It was just so, like, hard to be around you and not blurt out 'Shawn loves you! Shawn loooooves yoooou!'"

"I'll miss you too, Ray," Cory offered graciously. She smiled.

"And Shawn.. God. You kept Rayanne from getting into worse trouble. I don't know what you said to her, but .. thank you."

Shawn noticed how healthy Rayanne already looked. Her scars were fading, inside and out. She had it in her to make it, to stay clean. To truly live. Something passed between them in silent understanding. His eyes begged her to fight - not just for her and Angela, but for herself. Always, and no matter what. 

"You too," Rayanne said, mustering a serious tone. He knew what she meant. He needed to let his old habits die, too. He wasn't that Shawn anymore. Was this what it was like - growing up? Were they all actually becoming smarter, better people, just like that?

Angela hugged Shawn close, followed by Cory. Ray conceded to hugs, too, marveling at how good it could feel to press close to a boy without any expectations or octopus-hands. She could get used to affection.

"All the best, ladies." Shawn meant it with his whole being, with every ounce of goodness inside of him.

"You too." Angela had to walk away quickly, Ray gently leading her from the porch, the house, the summer they'd all been waiting for.

Epic.


	20. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Growing up - together and apart

Shawn could count on one hand the number of times he'd been glad not to have much of a family. 'Coming out' was one of those times.

The Matthews had been a little.. put out initially. It would be a stretch to say they were shocked; there had been a question-mark hovering over Shawn for years, and Cory's goofball deflections of their suspicions had thrown them off.. but, all in all, they handled it well. The only real change was that the boys weren't allowed to be in Cory's room with the door closed while Morgan was home. They explained that that would've been the house rule irrespective of gender, and that seemed fair.

Eric had been exultant. "HA! I *knew* it! Jack owes me twenty bucks." Softening, letting a rare moment of his better nature shine through, he'd gently put each boy in a headlock, tussling their hair. "Seriously, though. Good for you two. Love is love, and it's amazing. Enjoy!" He hadn't said much, but Cory knew: he was accepted - they both were. More than that, they were loved.

Shawn's social standing didn't waver much, although most of the girls got the message and stopped trying so damn hard. There were a few kids who seemed to take issue with them, but nobody got violent. Shawn made inroads toward setting up an after-school group for kids to talk about sexuality and gender issues, and he and Cory both were surprised at the level of interest. The first meeting touched on a variety of topics, including self-harm. As he listened to his lover educating the group, Cory took a long, hard look at Shawn, whose eyes shone back with a silent plea for time, as if to say, "It's a long story."

On the last day before winter vacation, Mr. Feeny handed Shawn a copy of a newsletter sent to the school from Liberty High. Ange and Ray had started their own group, and were currently trying to organize a state-wide event where any teen or their adult counterparts (parents, teachers, etc) could meet up to tackle issues facing those who lived and loved differently. Cory had to laugh when he read about the group's monthly ice cream social. Ah, memories. What did Mr. Frost make of THAT crowd?

Christmas had never meant more to Shawn than it did that year, being part of the Matthews family - truly a part of it. Morgan had even taken to calling him "Aunt Shawn," leading to a lively debate as to which of the two was more feminine, followed by a crash-course in gender role stereotypes surrounding same-sex couples. 

"If I'm going to get a lecture every time I make a joke, I'll just stay in my room!," Morgan cracked. It was said in love.

Cousin Anna had sent the boys a joint Christmas card-slash-letter (Cory insisted on having it framed, and Shawn totally caved) - with the happy news that she'd met someone and an invitation to visit next summer. When Cory read the name 'Lisee,' he wasn't surprised. 

"Dreams really do come true, Shawn," he sighed, content.

New Year's Eve found the boys stealing away moments before midnight, sitting in the treehouse freezing their .. acorns off.

"Another year, Shawn. It's been epic."

Shawn's hand returned the squeeze given to his own. "It has."

"You think the girls are holding hands right now?"

Knowing Ray, there'd probably be hands in all sorts of places, but the romantic in him won out. "Yup. I bet they are. I bet Angela has a spot like our treehouse, and they're there, talking about us, about the summer, and about the future."

"When did we get to be so amazing, Shawn? When I'm being neurotic, you're being logical. When you're emotional, I calm you down. How did we get so .. the way we are?" 

"It's always been there, Cory. Most people get with somebody because they like the outside stuff, or because they're lonely. WE found each other by being friends first."

"Like the girls did," Cory realized.

"Yeah. Maybe most people have it backwards. I think sex is better when you care about each other." Shawn couldn't imagine it now - having sex with someone you didn't love. With a little luck, he'd never need to find out about it.

Inside the house, the countdown had begun. Shawn tried to think of something achingly beautiful or profound to say, but Cory turned his tongue to rubber and his brain to mush. As the rest of the family erupted in cheers, Shawn and Cory shared their first kiss of the new year.

"Happy New Year, babe," Shawn breathed.

"I like it when you call me 'babe'. Oh, and - happy New Year to you, too - to my lover and my best friend." 

Forever.

What are friends for?


End file.
